Tall/Athletic/Creative/Outgoing/Sensitive/Wealthy Male Project
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Log: Tall/Athletic/Creative/Outgoing/Sensitive/Wealthy Male Project
Log date 08/11/03:
0600 - Today begins diffcult. Efforts to increase height from 5’10” to 6’0” via upside-down ankle suspension while sleeping proving futile. Frustration at peak levels.
0630 – Engaged in two hours intensive physical exertion; cardio-vascular punishment via 30-minute straight uphill climb. 1800 situps performed, followed by intensive weight-lifting and tantric stretch exercises.
0745 – Dissapointment. Weight increased 2 pounds. “Washboard abs” still in pre-existent phase. Endeavoring to increase situp count to 2000. Consumption of “Fat Tire” alcoholic beverage previous evening questionable. Will make efforts to reduce life-enjoyment to null for chiseled physique.
0800 – Welded some metal together, dubbed it “Aphrodite moving towards Nirvana”, will show it outside coffee house of local neighborhood. Resembles something akin to human feces. “Creative” objective showing minimal progress.
0830 – Drove new car to job. Status of “phat ride” achieved. It is hopeful that this projects aura of financial stability. Unsure if deception acceptable method to achieve overall identity. Payments on vehicle contributing towards sole ramen diet. Acceptable consequence when considering previous failure in “Athletic” category.
0900-1200 - Work. Current occupation status as “East Bay Toiletry Supply” possible hindrance to “Creative” Category. Must attain job of estimable income with acceptable degrees of unique social consciousness and artistic merit.
1201-1300 – Received authentic truck driver mesh-baseball cap today with insignia “Texas Gets the Job Done”. Picture of snorting bull suitably ironic. Disappointed to discover mesh caps now out of style. Still unable to fit into 30-waist wrangler jeans. Use of gigantic cowboy belt buckle impossible until prior is accomplished.
1301-1700 – Continued work. Engaged in online chat with new girl in accounting with romantic issues and 80s hairstyle. Boyfriend problems apparently increased. Researched responses of “He doesn’t seem sensitive to your needs”, “I don’t understand why some men are afraid to feel”, and “I remember a time when I was that sort of guy” generally successful. “Sensitive” objective within reach.
1701-1830 – Perused local record store. Previous favorites by groups Dee-Lite, Shalimar, Cinderella, and Boney James sold. Will purchase again when kitsch value returns. Purchased Roxy Music, Tiny Tim, and Pedro the Lion albums, as well as 780 singles. Steve Miller Band anthology CDs hidden under couch to avoid detection.
1900-2200 – focused on poetry effort. Constructed entire poem comparing beautiful woman to bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Sure to be hit at club.
2201-0200 – Stood in corner at local bar this evening. Beverage of choice Milwaukee’s Best deemed acceptable on both hipness and tastelessness scales. Chatted with several girls. Informed one I was, in fact, Rivers Cuomo. Successfully attained phone #. Suspect pink cowboy boots excessive, possibly obstructed first-night intercourse. Will make effort to refine appearance in various test arenas.
0201- Returned to upside down suspension. Project meeting with mixed success as of yet. Am hopeful to obliterate original identity/succeed with Craigslist female population by 2007. Fits of uncontrollable weeping minimal.