SEEKING: Married, Old, Gambling, Cheap, Run-Around Guy
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"My new philosophy of posting a craigslist personal ad"
I seek: a married, emotionally immature, and very cheap man for nothing but mechanical, meaningless, first-meeting sex; (notice I don't say date, for date would imply that you actually are capable of arranging a date!)
I seek the above, because everytime I write that I seek a nice guy, I get the above, so obviously, I must ask for the opposite of what I desire, right?
Let me continue: Please be old, (over fifty, since I love the idea of dating my Dad); still married to your ex-wife, (for tax benefits, of course!); still living with your ex-wife, (because she can't afford to get a place of her own, despite the fact that you're the CFO of a company?); and please be shorter, since I am taller, and I want to tower over all the men I date, (I love the power of towering over my men).
Please arrive with a dirty car, because I am impressed with a dirty car; and dirty fingernails -- oh, how I love dirty fingernails, when I just dropped $40.00 for my manicure and pedicure.
And please, please, make sure that you are a man whose past relationships were with women, who had some sort of mental disorder. I just love hearing how fucked up all the women in your life have been. Please tell me that your last girlfriend was paranoid, and that your ex-wife, still sleeping in your house, was/is bi-polar, or that you didn't know that your last girlfriend was bi-polar until you went to Europe with her, even though you dated her for five years before that!
Oh I know, tell me that you and your ex-wife jointly decided that "all the problems in your marriage were her fault!" (Yes, it makes total sense to me that some woman decides along with her husband that all the problems in the marriage are her fault!)
Please tell me that your father was -- and remains -- a run around, for hearing that your father, now in his sixties, still brings a string of women through his pleasure palace, is exactly what I want to hear. Yes! Yes! I want to hear that the main male figure in your life is a lady's man!
Better yet???? Ask me to a free concert, yet tell me that you're taking your mother to a play at the Curran Theatre, because she loves to go to the theatre. Yes, show me that your dates get the free events, while mommy gets the $65.00 ticket! Then, tell me that you live with your mommy, because, well, why live anywhere else!
Wanna know what I really want to hear? Five minutes after we meet, tell me that your father gambled away all of the family money, and had to leave New Jersey and hide out with you in Noe Valley, since the Mafia had a hit out on him -- just until he paid back the 250K.
Moreover, please do NOT want to date only one women, because you know, why date only one woman and develop something meaningful -- when there are nine-thousand woman using craigslist, whom you hope to contact, hope to meet, and hope to woo into your love den.
Further, please tell me that you want to be a house-husband and that you love to give massages, because I am looking for a lazy man. Will you have our baby too? If your loins can carry our genetic material, I'll go for this in a heartbeat!
Pictures please, of course, send blurry pictures, pictures of your penis, pictures of you with your old girlfriends, pictures of you which are very narrow, since you've cut away all of your old girlfriends -- even though their arms remain visible around your neck!
FINALLY, to make me absolutely, positvely, and surely melt while reading your email, please do not use punctuation, capital letters, or show any other forms of intelligence!