This tale of woe started when I noticed a strange entry in the W4M section of Craiglist. The title read "qisdpoitvoo834k ;lk fusru90fwe". How curious, I thought. In a forum where bad spelling is the norm, this post stood out. Opening the ad, I saw that the content displayed similar style and content. I also noticed there was an address at the bottom of the page that indicated it came from the chimpanzee exhibit at the San Francisco Zoo. I put two and two together and realized that I was reading the romantic entreaties of a chimpanzee, probably typed on the computer of one of the caretakers while they were away from their workstation.
Since the post was fresh, I took a chance and emailed back. The chimp responded, not much more intelligently than the initial post. But with repeated efforts I was able to establish, first, that it was a she-chimp, second that her name was Lucinda, and third, that she was indeed available for a date that coming Saturday.
So it was with great anticipation that I arrived at the Zoo Saturday evening, boquet of bananas in hand. I’ll spare you all the trivial detail of how I entered the Zoo after hours and freed Lucinda from her confines. Instead I’ll just take up the story where we are driving to the North Beach restaraunt. This is where it gets interesting, and this is the beginning of the strange happenings. I suppose if I had done more research before dating a chimpanzee, I might have known that chimpanzees tend to be polyamorous. As it was, I felt only pleasant surprise when Lucinda insisted on having sex with me not once but twice on the way to the restaurant. What had I stumbled upon here, I wondered? Wouldn’t every CL man want to be me right now, the discoverer of this beguiling chimp-nymph? I drove into Little Italy with a smile on my face, a hairy hand nestled in mine.
Naturally I attributed this onrush of romantic zeal to a combination of the pent up loneliness from Lucinda’s captivity and my usual overwhelming charm. However, my assessment of the situation changed after we had been at the restaurant not an hour and Lucinda had already copulated with the valet, the hostess, a street musician, and the entire family of seven sitting at the table nearest us. This was in addition to her throwing around the restaurant all of the food she didn’t like, her spontaneous leaping from table to table between courses, and the fact that she several times jerked the table cloth free of its moorings just to hear the clatter of dishes and utensils on the floor. Fortunately, this being North Beach, nothing that happened in the course of our dinner provoked undue attention apart from the waiter’s dirty look when I asked if my steak could be cooked more thoroughly.
It was after I had brought Lucinda back to my place that the real trouble began. Hoping to mellow her mood, I tried to interest Lucinda in an expensive bottle of wine. Unfortunately, Lucinda misinterpreted this gesture as an invitation to use the bottle to destroy most of my art collection as well as the frig. Now, if I had done more research before my date, I might have learned that chimpanzees are strong enough to break the limbs of an adult male human. Had I known this, I might have called for help rather than trying to restrain her myself. Though no limbs were broken, it was some time before I was able to untangle myself from the draperies.
In the mean time, Lucinda had gone through my CD collection and tossed most of the Classic Rock section through the back window. I was actually ok with that, as I had meaning to do the same thing myself for some time. At that point, Lucinda happened upon the “Yanni Live!” cd given to me by my last girlfriend. This she decided to play, over and over, and in that way she remained docile and compliant for the rest of the evening. Needless to say, romance ensued.
Now I know that most of you will never date a chimpanzee, and may have no intention of even trying. Nevertheless I believe there is a universal message here. Be careful when dating strangers you meet on Craigslist! And if you do decide to date someone from a different species or perhaps from the Mission District, you would be well-advised to first do some background research so that you can be better prepared for whatever may happen. As for me, though Lucinda made it clear that she enjoyed herself and would like to keep seeing me, I’m playing it cool for now, just thinking it over.