Me, the workaholic or glutton for punishment (or insert your own abusive title here), decided to be more assertive with my dating and subsequent prospects, and after a few months of hemming and hawing about it, posted a completely respectable ad in Craig’s infamous “women seeking men” personals. I was initially flattered in the amount of responses I received and even took a slight perverse pride with the incoming naked pics. After carefully weeding through my definition of questionable material and, what I thought at the time was the occasional stalker, I started several nice email conversations with some of Craig’s finest male specimens. I would now like to address each one of these gentlemen –
1.) The-Guy-Who-Wanted-to-Get-Married-on-the-First-Date: You seem like a decent man, aside from the fact that you could do nothing but ogle at my chest for the entire coffee hour, and when I said I had to go, I meant it. That did not give you permission to follow me to my car and try your best at blocking my way into my vehicle. I kind of figured that you would get the hint when I did not respond to your emails, however you were too clever for me. I was just playing hard to get. I just want to thank you for the 30 emails I received the following morning. You truly are a catch.
2.) The-Dude-Who-Wanted-to-get-Busy-in-My-Car-and-then-Proceeded-to-Stalk-Me: I had completely let the fact that you misrepresented yourself go, and I even thought, well, he doesn’t smell all that bad, right? Maybe he’s nervous, I told myself, hoping that the date would be over quicker than you could eat your noodle plate. You clearly told me you wanted me when, unbuttoning your shirt and pants, tried to sidle over to my driver seat, but was unfortunately stopped short by the stick shift. I thought you got the hint when I didn’t respond to your inundation of emails, but alas, you must have taking lessons from guy number one. Showing up at my house was so unexpected and surprising! You must have done your research.
3.) Me-Show-Man: I thought you were so cool, flashing all of your bling bling, oh wait, aren’t you going to interrupt me and tell me all about your money, friends, material items, blah blah blah blah blah?!
4.) Older-than-Dirt-but-Tells-Girls-He-is-Your-Age-Guy: No wonder women on Craig’s would like a picture, but even that doesn’t paint the picture very well. I especially like how you felt the need to “let me down easily” after our 45 minute coffee conversation, after I had told you I was seeing someone else just to get the hell out of dodge. You are such a heartbreaker.
5.) Dude-that-Lives-in-His-Parents’-Garage-and-Has-Children-He-Neglected-to-Tell-You-About: As a starving artist, you seemed exciting, intriguing, and my hopes were high with you. After our initial meeting, I had come to the conclusion that you were a winner and was already mentally preparing/writing my “Craig’s success story,” however, did you think I was going to be okay learning that you had three children, lived in your parents’ garage, and the reason your last relationship dumped you was because she was supporting your arse? Dishonesty like that is such a turn-on. Can I have your fourth child?