Specifically, what is it with women and bathroom real estate? Any man who has lived with a woman for more than 1 month knows exactly what I'm talking about without having to go any further. To a woman, a bathroom represents a vast area of flat space that needs to be filled with products, accessories, accoutrements, potions, lotions, appliances, contrivances, and concoctions that are absolutely necessary for the maintenance of female life as we know it.
Given time a woman will make use of the space in a bathroom in a manner similar to a bacteria growing in a petri dish. No military genius has ever managed to acquire and dominate territory in a manner as efficient or as ruthless as a woman who sees empty space in a bathroom. Stalin would be proud. The inexorable occupation of previously unoccupied territory is amazing to watch. And most amazing of all is all men are powerless in the face of this tidal wave of acquisition.
No space regardless of how small is safe from the gradual creep of female supplies and tools. And once occupied, no space can ever be recovered. Ask any woman about the removal of ANY item it will be carefully explained that life on this planet will cease to exist if you remove the "Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay" or dare touch the "ABRA Skin refining Scrub". Removing a product is akin to removing radioactively contaminated soil. After horrendous public hearings and pitched battles over the necessity, safety, cost and difficulty or removing the offending article, all that ever really happens is that the item is moved from one place to another, more secure location. The actual amount of occupied physical space is not reduced, just re-arranged. If you're a man sharing a bathroom you already know this.
A man, who shall remain nameless (for his own safety) recounts how he used 12 square inches of space for his necessary bathroom toiletries. That he had staked out this space for himself after a vigorous onslaught from the combined forces of this his live-in girlfriend and his young teenage daughter. That despite their best efforts he had maintained a 42nd parallel between his comb and razor, and the burgeoning onslaught of lotions and ex-foliants. His perimeter was secure against all depredations.. or so he thought. Then came the business trip. With his comb and razor temporary out of town the female contingent broke through his Maginout line on the shelf and an filled his 12 square inches of space 25 square inches of Dr. Hauschak "cleansing milk", herbal aromatherapy therapeutic lotion and phytovolume actif (sic) maximizing volume spray. On his return, all attempts to re-claim his former territory were re-buffed by the time honored legal argument of "finders keepers, losers weepers" (a.k.a. Possession being 9/10's of the law).
His later attempts at mounting a Normandy like invasion of the female domain was countered with massive arsenals of "Spa Zone vegetable mud mask", "Fioravanti finishing spritz no rinse conditioning detangler", and "Healing Garden Green Teatheraphy (sic) enlightening body mist". The carnage was awesome. His comb will never be the same.
And guys, don't believe for a minute that you are safe because there is an upper limit to the amount of occupiable space in your average bathroom and that this will somehow stem the spread of this particular virus. Once all space has been filled with products you will be called upon to muster your manly skills with the mighty nail and hammer of magic to install shelving! There are whole sections of your local Wal-Mart devoted to cramming more horizontal space into the bathroom so that the female appliances and notions can be accommodated without actually spilling out into the other living spaces of the house (though this happens anyway). There are suction cup shelves that can be placed any where. There are large multi-sectional, Library of Congress, size plastic shelves that can hang in the shower. There are whole Louis the XIV style enclosures for the commode, some of which will automatically close the lid should the offending orifice be left open for more than the time it takes to drain a snake. A sure sign that you have failed as a man to put a limit on the number of products the woman in your life has managed to pack into the bathroom is her subtle request to install a card catalog based on the Dewey Decimal system that allows her to find just the particular "Eye Contour Day Cream" she needs among the vast shelves of what used to be a simple toilet, but which has been transformed into a temple to the power of advertising in Cosmo.
If you're a woman and reading this and shaking your head that I exaggerate, let me prove my point with an example.. Let's inventory the contents of a one woman's bathroom...(Note: Nothing here is intended as an endorsement, and every product listed here is real and was found in ONE bathroom.)
The medicine cabinet contains (I can assure you.. no medicine of any sort..)
* SHELF 1
* Christina Laboratories - Retinal Eye Cream
* Christina Laboratories - Retinal Eye Active Cream
* LaBelle - Hydrating Complex with H/A & C
* Hagerty - Silver Jewel Cleaner
* Hagerty - Jewel Cleaner
* Eagle Brand - Fong Yeow Cheng Medicated Oil
* Clientele - Preventative Age Treatment
* Clientele - Wrinkle Treatment
* Bio-Energetic Intensive Multi-Nutritional Eye & Neck Creme
* Cellex-C - Eye Contour Creme
* Osmotics - Kenetin Intensive Eye Repair
* Osmotics - Blue Copper Firming Elasticity
* LaBelle - Glycare Clarifying Gel
* C-Lestial - Moisturizing Daily C-Serum
* Retinolic - Synergistic Youth Coaxing Serum
* LaBelle - Sebo-no Powder (no, I don't know what it does!)
* LaBelle - Blemish Buster Alcohol Free Herbal Therapy
* SHELF 2
* PhytoPro - Gel Modelage
* PhytoPro - Sculptins Gel
* Tara - Herbal Infused Hair Oil
* LaBelle - Hydration Complex with H/A & C (yes, another bottle of the same stuff)
* Phytologe - Phyto 7 Daily Intense Hydrating Creme
* B&B - Semo Wax
* ClayPlay Botanical Solutions - Play Clay (this is not Play-Doh!)
* Heal Games - Messed Up Madness Molding Creme (I didn't name em, I just wrote em down.)
* Sabre Corp. - Fudge for hair - Hair Licorice (see previous comment)
* B&B - Styling Wax
* LaBelle - Derma-Balance Hydrating & Soothing Moisturizer
* Walgreen's (hey, one I know) - Hydrocortisone (shouldn't that be in the first aid kit?)
* LaBelle - Lemon-Sage Soft Touch Oil Spray & Massage
* LaBelle - Aromatherapy Lotion with Ginko & Kukui Nut Oil
* Osmotics - Kinetic Cellular Renewal Syrup
* LaBelle - Custom Blended Foundation
* SHELF 3
* Ciba-Vision - Saline
* Ciba-Vision - Disinfectant
* Boasch & Lomb - Renue
* Degree Ultra-Dry
* Crest Toothpaste
* Fudge for Hair - Hair Varnish
* Fudge for Hair - Hair Putty
* Fudge for Hair - Hair Shaper (someone call Bob Villa!!! He can do a new show - THIS OLD HAIR!)
* PhytoPro - Spray Fixative
In the TUB area and behind the Toilet you find...
* B&B - Color Support Conditioner
* B&B - Color Support Extra Mild Shampoo
* Texture Line - Spa - Relaxing Body Wash
* Dr H - Cleansing Milk
* Texture Line - Spa Body Wash (I guess this one is not Relaxing?)
* B&B - Simply Shampoo
* Phytomer - Gentle Cleansing Creme
* B&B - Gentle Shampoo (Why couldn't they make a SIMPLE, GENTLE Shampoo is beyond me.)
* Mustel - Hair and Body Shampoo
* ClayPac - Moisturizer
* Mustela - Dermo-Cleansing Solution
* B&B - Seaweed Conditioner
* Estee Lauder - Perfectly Clean Foaming Lotion Cleanser
* B&B - Sunday Shampoo (I guess you need a different one for the other days of the week.)
* The Body Shop - Pumice Foot Scrub
* Creative - Spa Pedicure
* Skintimate - Shaving Gel - Moisturizing
* LaBelle - Therapeutic Sulfur Massage
* Osmotic - Sugar Syrup Body Exfoliate
* LaBelle - Gentle Cleansing Gel
And in other areas..
* Paul Mitchell - Super Clean Spray
* Aveeno - Daily Moisturizing Lotion
* Heaven - Liquid Hand Soap (Didn't know GOD was exporting products!)
* Aveeno - Shave Gel
* B&B - Styling Lotion
* Q-Tips (625 pack)
* Vaseline
* Baush & Lomb - Re-wetting drops
* B&B - Thickening Spray
* B&B - Color Support Styling Gel
* Johnson & Johnson - Dental Floss
* Proactive Solution - Refining Mask (.. but would you really wear it at a refinery?)
* Mennen - Baby Magic Baby Lotion
* There was actually more to list.. about 3 shelves worth, but I ran out of time.. and had writer's cramp to boot!!!
To contrast, let's look at what a you'll find in a man's bathroom..(Note: Brand names.. who needs em?)
As you can see, Guys.. There is no upper limit to the number of products that are available to the female of the species. Men must face the fact that they are doomed to living out of a travel kit once they take up residence with a woman raised to believe that wrinkles can be prevented, age is an enemy to be fought tooth and nail, and that somehow something called a moisturizer is wetter than plain old water.
NOTE: All products and items listed on this page were actually found in bathrooms. Any similarity between these products and actual products you can buy is completely intentional. None of the statements above are intended as an endorsement or testimonial on the effectiveness of any of these items; other than on their ability to occupy space. For details on how matter occupies space you will have to speak to your nearest neighborhood physicist about string theory.