Originally Posted: 2006-01-04 16:14

Looking for a lazy, semi-LTR

I'm a 22 year old hot woman, bright and socially well adjusted. Have my shit together--full time job, plenty of friends, clean apartment with good roommates, etc. I'm looking for a similarly together man for the following type of relationship:

I work early, so we'll go to bed early on the nights you stay at my place (which will be more than i stay at yours since I doubt you'll be as clean or as frequent a sheet washer, and the two won't add up to every night of the week). We'll spend a lot of time smoking pot and watching shitty TV or doing low key activities like reading or crossword puzzles with a bottle of wine. Occassionally, we will go to a bar for a couple of drinks with friends, catch a movie, or you might like to surprise me and we'll try a new restaurant...or an old favorite. Doesn't matter. Some nights I will cook, ususally veggie heavy rabbit food that you don't really want, but you'll eat because it's made for you. I'll surprise you occassionally with steak, which you like and I don't, or a tee shirt that reminded me of you or a CD I thought you might like. We'll work out separately and in spurts that alternate between regular and lazy. Sometimes we'll do outdoor activities together on the weekends--bike rides, kayaking, camping--but more often than not we'll just talk about how it would be a good idea and not follow through. Though I'm fully capable, you'll probably start assuming responsibilities like taking out my trash (after a good amount of time, obviously), putting together my IKEA furniture and handling anything that requires steady-handed drilling, nailing, etc. I will think this is absolutely adorable, and I'll try to do helpful things as well for you like reminding you of mother's day a week before the date or getting food and beers together for you to watch "the game" with "the boys." Actually, I'll probably consider the two aforementioned options, deem them needy and annoying and clinging, and settle for giving you a blow job. I hope you don't mind.

I’ll have sex with you even when I’m tired and you’ll appreciate that. Every once in a while I’ll probably get influenced by one of those awful women’s magazines like Cosmo, and I’ll try to set the alarm for the middle of the night for sex or touch you in weird places they claim are “ultimate male g-spots,” and this will usually turn out to be more funny than sexy. You should always want to have sex with me, though over time you’ll probably propose something I haven’t done like a threesome or anal and I’ll probably consider it very seriously as some sort of birthday/anniversary/special occasion gift, but I’ll chicken out in the end. I’ll understand if this makes you mad for a couple of days.

Sometimes, on the weekends, I'll get excited that I don't have to get up early the next day, and I'll drink too much. If I'm out with you, you might embarrassingly have to bring me home. Or, I'll call you a thousand times until you pick up and let me come over or meet me at my place. I'll probably say something drunk along the lines of "I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you," or "I didn't mean to get this attached." For you to be a right fit, this shouldn't freak you out too much. I'm looking for a guy that can keep my drunk self from getting too worked up or hysterical and respect that the next morning I either won't remember what I said or I'll appologize for being sloppy. We can both make fun of me the next day when this happens. But you can’t make fun of me for having bad, sloppy sex.

You'll have to meet my family since I live near them and see them a few times a week--mom, dad, two brothers (one at college and one in high school). I keep up the appearance of being pretty held together around them...trying to minimize all the time I waste, exaggerating minor interests/activities. You'll have to be able to carry on a conversation about sports, politics, bike riding or music with my father, and my mom can talk about pretty much anything with you--I'd suggest family. She'll love to hear about your family. The brother that lives at home is hilarious and will make fun of you. I'll laugh a lot and you'll have to be secure enough to not take it personally. He'll highlight any flaw or distinct feature you have--receding hairline, accent, etc.--and draw attention to it mercilessly and at inopportune moments. Also, he's 6'2", and will make height jokes if you're even just half an inch shorter. I think he's hilarious, and this will only work if you either agree or are able to not take offense. My brother at college won't be around much, and he's more or less the nicest person ever, so if you can't get along with him, you're crazy.

I'm pretty likable and confident that you're family will like me just enough to hope we get married when we're together and have deep, retrospective reservations about our relationship post break-up. I predict your sisters and your dad will like me best, just because that’s the way it usually goes. I'll also do well with co-workers and friends, as I tend to like everyone and am busy enough on my own to keep from smothering you.

After a period of time, I anticipate my roommates or yours will start making passive comments about an "extra person" living in the apartment, and one or both of our parents may make alarming comments about marraige, etc. We probably won't address this, but will do something stupid to sabatoge the relationship. You'll become standoffish and I'll react by being clingy and the tension will rise until I end up crying outside a bar and pulling on your arm as you get in a cab. Or, maybe I'll make plans for a major life change--say moving across country or buying a condo (who knows, right?)--without consulting you and you'll break up with me through the classic fifth grade combination of ignoring me and trusting that it'll get back to me through mutual friends. I'll be briefly but intensely upset; I don't know how you'll handle your grief. After a period of time in which I'll probably date some ridiculous characters and make ridiculous proclamations about how much I hate men and love, and how I'll die alone and sad, we'll run into each other (mutual friend's wedding, etc.). I'll be stressed about this meeting, but we'll probably have a good conversation. At least, I hope we'll be able to be friends, and I think we will...until we get married, that is, at which time our respective spouses will feel uncomfortable and end our friendship. But we'll think of one another fondly, nonetheless.

If this sounds good to you, drop me a line with a picture. We can get coffee or drinks or pretend to meet in a supermarket over awkward conversation about bread pricing or something. Whatever works for you.

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