Originally Posted: 2003-04-29 13:43

I will ruin your company in a few short weeks!

It's true, every company I have ever worked for has gone out of business. While I was never an executive at any of these companies, I'm certain that my just being there was good enough reason for the company to fold.
Pets.com, Napster, Industry Standard and Extension 11 are all companies I am proud to say I worked for, and ultimately caused to fail.

I don’t really want to go back to work but I’ve exhausted unemployment and have started watching the afternoon soaps. Now my wife is complaining because I lie around on the sofa all day long eating Cheetos and hanging out with Ed, our “yellow lab/shepherd/husky and whatever other animal got into his mamas panties that night.”

I’m not quite sure what I am good at besides looking busy, but if you sit me at a desk I’ll make it look like I’m working most of the time. I can spend more hours a day surfing the internet than anyone you have ever met. I would prefer a nice computer and a high speed connection so I can surf for porn videos and pirated mp3’s while at work. If the company has lots of pretty girls that would be nice too. Pretty girls are nice to look at and they smell nice too, except for those girls who go to yoga on lunch break and come back all stinky. That is not cool.

I own a couple of pairs of khaki pants and buttoned down blue shirts left over from my days working at a dotcom but I much prefer to wear my favorite jean shorts, a button down shirt and my Tevas. I think I have a tie around here somewhere if you want to borrow it. If your company has martini nights at Elroys that would be cool too. I so miss martini nights at Elroys. (edit: I was just informed that Elroys has been closed for nearly 3 years)

I want a job that pays me a lot of money for doing very little work. I like to take long lunches and leave early on Fridays to beat the rush hour traffic. During football season, I will usually show up for work late on Mondays because me and the boys hang out at the Buccaneer every Sunday and watch the Patriots lose then drink our sorrows away. I’m looking for 8 weeks of paid vacation time so I can take off May and September.

I’m not all that excited about working for you but it sure beats the alternative; not making any money.


post id: 10806224