Did you ever see Pretty in Pink? No, of course, not...you're 18 or younger. Well, in that movie, there is a character who is thinking of skipping their prom. They get a lecture from an older woman played by Annie Potts (who was way cool in the movie, by the way) who warns them that if they miss their prom, they will never be "quite right". From time to time, they'll get an overwhelming sense that they've forgotten something...they'll check for their keys, make sure they locked the door, double check the stove...and never realize the empty place inside stems from never having gone to the prom.
Yes, I missed my prom. I was a punk kid with an attitude and I talked about crashing it but ended up just ignoring it. Ok, it is true! I wished I could have been a beautiful prom queen in mounds of teal taffeta, but I just didn't measure up so I wore a mohawk and a scowl. Ok, I'm lying about wishing I were one of the cool kids...unless it gets you to ask me to your prom.
I'm pretty cute these days. Besides, you'd be showing up with a woman ten years older than you are, and you know that would make you look cool. I can buy drinks for your whole crowd. I can tell off your teachers because they don't intimidate me. I can wear mounds of teal...
I don't care where you are in the social hierarchy of your school. I'd prefer a geek because I'd rather not hang out with someone who is in the midst of peaking in high school, even if it is for just one evening.
So come on, keep me from a promless fate. Really, it will only get worse if you don't ask me to your prom. Someday, I'll be trying to get an invite before I'm 40 if you don't ask me now.
Oh, and absolutely no sex, I don't care how drunk I am. That is one part of the prom tradition that I think you must forgo if you wait more than a decade to attend.
If no one responds and some like-minded 30ish male would like to team up with me (we could be soulmates, after all) then drop me a line. We can loiter outside of some random prom and barter with some random kids for their tickets. Bring a teal corsage.