Originally Posted: 2003-04-23 12:42am
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favorite this post This ain't snake oil, friends, this is bona-fide! hide this posting unhide

Has your home been lonely and sad, or maybe your wallet a bit skinnier than usual? If you have a spare room in your house then HAVE WE GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!

Introducing the Amazing Roommate model XJ-Aaron-28!!

It's clean! It's stylish! It's social! It even pays its bills on time! This miracle of Space Age technology was conceived in secret, hidden away in the dark and mysterious forests of the Pacific Northwest for over twenty years, and can NOW BE YOURS! This LIMITED TIME OPPORTUNITY is part of an exclusive test marketing project in the following San Francisco neighborhoods: Upper Haight, Lower Haight, The Mission, Castro, Cole Valley, Noe, Panhandle, North Beach, and the Inner Sunset. If you act immediately, this product can be shipped right to your door by May 4th, 2003.

This model comes standard with the following exciting features and accessories:

  • The ability to make up to $700 in rent MAGICALLY appear in your hands every month!
  • Witty and incisive opinions, covering everything from Moral Relativism to why mixing fruit with cottage cheese is crazy!
  • An authentic pair of Dr. Martens that have climbed the Great Wall of China, scaled the Eiffel Tower, crawled serendipitously up Miss Liberty's skirt, chased pigeons in Venice, foraged through the jungles of Central America, and much, much more!
  • Not none, not one, but TWO friendly and lovable feline accomplices with patented 'klaw-less' paws and diminished sexual appetites!
  • No hang ups on sexuality, religion, or other lifestyle choices!
  • A complete fondue set and a 36" Sony flat screen TV!
  • The ability to converse (poorly) in French, Chinese, Japanese, C++/Java, and even English!
  • A wide assortment of purple furniture!
  • Kung fu grip!

When not interacting with you, this model will autonomously go into either 'work', 'study', or 'recreate' mode as it strives to simultaneously earn an income, complete a degree, and enjoy its limited lifespan. Its hobbies include exploring, reading, painting, celluloid-based ocular stimulation, melodic aural stimulation, and other pursuits. Although this model has a peer 'girlfriend' model associated with it, that product is remaining at the manufacturer's site for continued intellectual development.

To qualify for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, candidates must have enough room to accommodate this unit's primary furnishings either within the sleeping chamber or a supplemental environment. These furnishings include a queen bed, dresser, shelf, nightstands, computer desk, and large-screen television. Other optional accessories include a couch, convection microwave, and a complete kitchen setup.

When asked about this offer, four out of five Scientologists responded "wtf?!?"! Friends, even Bob agrees - take this offer before the Stark Fist of Removal crushes you!

Act now - this offer expires soon!

Technical Specifications:

    Age: 28 Occupational Area: Technical (Engineering, Marketing)
    Gender: Male Study Area: Non-Technical (Business, Liberal Arts)
    Sexuality: Straight Felines: Dharma (Bengal), Loki (Tabby)
    Religion: Agnostic Hapless puppet of the oil industry: Yes
    Employed: Yes Current Location: Portland, OR
    Tobacco: No Thx Primary Vices: Caffeine, cuisine, and kerosene
    Alcohol: Rarely/Socially

Disclaimers:

Other neighborhoods will be considered based on the response of this marketing campaign. No actual claims are made regarding the wittiness of this model. Hang ups may exist for those with leprosy, persistent explosive diarrhea, or a membership in the NRA. Do not taunt model XJ-Aaron-28. The ability to speak in languages other than English is severely limited based on the extended duration since previous exposure. The MTBF for this unit is unknown. This unit may be phobic of even numbers and the letter Q. Like a good mail order bride, pre-shipment correspondence may be limited to email, phone, and picture exchanges. This advertisement is not endorsed by the Church of Scientology, the Christian Scientists, or the Church of the Subgenius. (But I could sure go for some Church's chicken, mmm) This advertisement is completely legitimate. Okay, well, maybe mostly legitimate, at least.

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