Originally Posted: 2005-04-20 10:55

To the Single Deep Sleeper Dude Next Door

Yes, the wall is thin. Hopefully you were informed of this fact when you bought the condo. We found this out a few years back, courtesy of the prior occupant - a thirtysomething blonde woman who, suddenly, at the most unpredictable times, would scream out in the throes of orgasm.

My first thought: Whoa, we can hear the neighbors getting it on.
My next thought: Uh-oh, the neighbors can hear us getting it on too. (We can be loud during sex sometimes - lots of howling and moaning and screeching and squeaky dolphin noises and such.)

We would see her occasionally in the halls, and an awkward smile would be exchanged. Another friend in the building at one point told us how, at a party at his place which the aforementioned blonde screamer attended, she once said to him, "You would not BELIEVE the noises that chick next door makes. Jesus!" And so we would periodically see each other, both knowing that the other could hear us having sex (could she possibly NOT realize that if she could hear us, we could hear her?) and both accepting the polite fiction that we didn't know the other person could hear us having sex.

But I digress. Anyways, Blonde Screamer sold the place and is now gone, to be replaced by you, Single Deep Sleeper Dude. You don't seem to get laid, at least not that we've heard. However, we have a different situation with you: You can not, for the life of you, seem to figure out how to turn off your alarm. Maybe you are, in fact, just an unbelievably deep sleeper and don't hear it for a while. At any rate, quite frequently, at 7 AM, we are woken up by a loud, obnoxious, high-pitched beeping that, if we are lucky that day, only runs for about five minutes, and can go a full hour if we are spectacularly unlucky.

What's the deal, SDSD? Are you actually sleeping through your incredibly loud, obnoxious alarm for five to 60 minutes every morning? Are you hitting snooze and then leaving the room, forgetting to turn it off and forcing us to listen to it when it kicks in yet again, nine minutes later? It needs to stop, SDSD, and every so often I'm ready to go over there and tell you this, when I suddenly realize: You still hear us having sex, too.

Perhaps this is actually your revenge. Here we are, having filthy sweaty monkey sex and moaning and screeching and howling late at night, and perhaps there you are, SDSD, sitting at home with nothing but Internet porn, plotting to enact revenge the only way you know how - by denying us sleep with your Alarm from Hell. You awake in the morning to the sound of your screeching alarm and LEAVE IT GOING as you take a shower, get dressed and prepare for your day, comfortable in the knowledge that we will be next door, tossing and turning in fury and thinking "TURN THAT FUCKING THING OFF!"

But look, we need sleep. And you probably need your sanity. We could tone down the monkey sex noises a bit if we tried, I guess. So my girlfriend and I are prepared to extend an olive branch and cut you a deal, SDSD: You learn to turn off your fucking alarm, and we will no longer alarm you with our fucking. We will all rest easier. Deal?

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