Originally Posted: 2004-12-14 15:33

Why I Hate Whole Foods

I don't know how Whole Foods has managed to corner the market on all the good vegetables from the produce suppliers and all the other grocery stores in the area are left with such shitty produce, but that's the way it is. I go to the smaller mom & pop produce stands when I can and get what's in season, but sometimes I want other produce, and since no one wants shitty fresh veggies, I put aside my hatred for you, Whole Foods on 64th, and I go there. You also have the best meat in town, and I sure do like good meat when I want meat.

I hate the stupid assholes that can't pay attention to what they're doing when they're parking because they're too busy looking all conscious and hip in their biodiesel German car and shopping at Whole Foods and checking out all the counterculture wisdom on bumperstickers. It is NOT cool to just come to a complete stop in the middle of the street and ponder your life before you turn into the parking lot as though you've never been there before. I see you getting out of your car with your fabric Whole Foods shopping bag. Wake up and pay attention! What crackhead decided to put that surface lot next to that underground parking with an entrance on 64th street when 65th street & Roosevelt is already congested enough? It is even worse when you have to walk across the street and these blissed-out dopey shitheads almost run you down in the street because they didn't see you in that crosswalk as they were too busy turning up NPR.

Then there's the scene inside that crackhead maze of a store. There's just no way to get in and out of there when you only need a couple of items. After it takes an inordinate amount of time to park and if you manage to not get hit crossing the street, it is impossible to move quickly thru the store. There are so many "aware" consumers carefully reading labels and making proclaimations about the product in their hands--to the air--if they're alone. They won't get out of your way if you just need that one carton of chicken stock behind them, they just stand there all doped up on anti-depressants and Valerian and wrapped in fleece and natural fibers and stare at you like you requested a kidney if you ask them to please step aside. Then if they KNOW you're in a hurry, they will block you and sometimes even comment you're in too much of a hurry and you can only enjoy life if you take the time for pleasure. Shit, white woman with dreadlocks, I will take time for pleasure as soon as I can get out of this hippy-dippy overpriced shithole and enjoy this fine cheese.

Then there's the bulk foods area; a place where bargains abound if you know what you're doing AND you can muster the patience to wait for the stringy-haired ponytailed man to decide just how much sage powder he really needs and step aside for the other customers, and there happens to be a pen available so you can write down the product number to avoid being lectured by the smelly cashiers when you try and explain you couldn't write the number down because there was no pen and you don't have one on you.

Some of the cashiers are really nice, don't get me wrong, but some of them like to give you mean looks when you buy a lot of red meat. You can see the vegan superiority in their eyes when they can't help but comment on all the ribs you're buying. I didn't realize Judgement was involved with my grocery purchases; that must be why I pay so much extra.

Oh yeah, and could all you people that shop and work there maybe occasionally take a fucking shower? If that spews too much water loss, a bath really will do. Thanks.

this is in or around 64th & Roosevelt

post id: 52364500