Originally Posted: 2004-11-11 12:14pm
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Want to trade my picker for yours. I should warn you that my picker is broken. Well, actually I think it has a severe defect - I'm not sure that it has ever worked properly.

From what I can tell, my picker has 2 major flaws.

Flaw #1 - Cannot pick good boyfriends

My picker cannot recognize a good potential boyfriend, actually I think it DOES recognize one, then chooses not to pick it. For some reason, my picker picks the ones that are: jobless, homeless, incarcerated, soon to be incarcerated, just released from incarceration, have psycho ex's, drug and/or alcohol addicts, emotionally unavailable, in love w/ someone else, still in relationships they claim they are no longer in (often goes hand in hand w/ preceeding point), verbally abusive, too young or act too young for their age (i.e. use terms like "homeboys" or is it "homey's"?), sleep w/ a plethora of women yet claim they really want to settle down (and really think that I am too stupid to figure them out), spend my money, borrow my money and of course never pay it back, borrow and total my classic car, store all their crap at my already over-crowded place then "bounce" leaving me to figure out where to put all their crap that is ALWAYS freakin' heavy and large (like HUGE computer monitors, crates of albums) until they get hungry and crave a hot shower enough to come back, are masters of deception, use my computer for cheating/scamming/downloading porn, etc. The only good characteristic that my picker usually finds is men that are good at performing oral sex.

Flaw #2 - Cannot pick good friends

My picker is often broken when it comes to friends, although not consistently. Occasionally my picker does choose a good one, but usually they are the potential boyfriends that it discarded. Otherwise, my picker tends to pick friends that are jobless, pretend to be looking for work but when I actually hire them they turn out to be worthless pieces of shit that cost me more money in the end because I have to redo the work they did, plus replace everything they stole from the job (i.e. light fixtures, lightbulbs, tools, etc.) or somehow spend hours doing nothing then expect to get paid for it (aka "flailing"), homeless or live at home w/ parents, incarcerated, soon to be incarcerated (and in need of a good attorney), just released from incarceration and needing a clean urine sample, are drug and/or alcohol addicts, spend my money, borrow my money and of course never pay it back, scandalous thieves w/ similar thieving patterns (i.e. identity theft, stealing from abandoned homes or from the dead, and ME of course), either drive on-its-last-leg-beaters or are avid bicyclists (yet still can afford a cell phone, prepaid minutes only though), masters of deception, stalkers, smack-talking hypocrits, and the one characteristic that they all seem to have in common is that they feel the world owes them something, even though they have done nothing for anyone in their entire pathetic lives, and have the same common resentful attitude when I finally figure them out and fire their asses, take back the things they stole from me, and end the farce friendship.

Your picker doesn't have to be perfect, in fact as much as I like the one good characteristic that mine finds in boyfriends I would even be willing to take a picker that falls short in that area, if it can just pick the other things right! Or, it would be okay if your picker also chooses homeless/jobless friends just as long as it doesn't choose scandalous thieves. Hey, I forgot a couple more of the positive qualities my picker chooses... it never chooses physically abusive boyfriends or friends, and it also chooses skinny friends usually so when you get really mad in the end you can vent your frustrations on their buck-forty-wet asses (males) or barely-a-buck-wet asses (females), so my picker would be great for someone in need of a good punching bag! Or, if you are an aspiring mechanic who needs practice fixing beaters, or if you have rooms in your house that are begging to be filled, food that is begging to be eaten, utilities that are begging to be consumed, and money and possessions that are begging to be taken - then have I got the picker for you!

All reasonable offers will be considered.

this is in or around Dysfunction, WA

post id: 48650398