Do you ever stare at the ceiling at night and silently ask yourself “Am I an asshole?” while you ponder the ugly looks and plethora of middle fingers people have offered over the course of the day? Are you doing asshole things, and just maybe aren’t fully aware these things are making you Grade A Asshole? I would like to offer my humble list of ways to help you diagnose whether or not you are, in fact, an asshole:
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1. You are late (again) for work and grab your make-up bag as you head out the door. You then get into your car for the morning commute, and you slow way down at all the stale green lights hoping for a red light so you can sit there and apply eyeshadow at one light, mascara at the next. Don’t think too hard, you’re an asshole.
2. You can’t help yourself, you are driven, as if by some supernatural-glowing-asshole-power, to post comments on CL about spelling and grammar.
3. It is the morning coffee line, and you’re there, with your $1 cup-o-drip, and you NEVER tip your barista, but wow, you stand there and converse with the polite baristas about the weather, your gout, your itchy beard, perhaps even local politics, not caring there’s this line behind you. You take FOREVER to put your cash away, and then when the next person behind you finally gets their morning beverage, there you are, lingering by the milk and sugar, punching shit into your cell phone and mindlessly dumping Sweet and Low into your beverage for a looooong time. You are an asshole.
4. You are in any line that has a few people in it, and you spent all your time in line thinking about why you’re always drooling, and then after you’re all rung up, suddenly you realize you’re BUYING something. So now you go through your HUGE bag to finally locate (of course) your checkbook. It takes forever for you to figure out how to spell “QFC” and then you are shocked when asked for ID, and then dig back in the Big Bag for your ID. Asshole.
5. You believe you’re in some sort of competition whilst driving, and you’d be giving away a secret move if you used a turn signal. Ever. Yes, you are an asshole.
6. You are the Farter in meetings. That room is already small, warm, and filled with irritating people, and you have to add your gas to the mix, asshole.
7. You shush at people on the bus because they’re talking to their friend while you’re trying to read. It ain’t no fuckin’ library, it’s a PUBLIC transit bus, and people are allowed to talk on it. Yep. Asshole.
8. Dentists should make some attempt at not blinding me with halitosis. If your breath stinks like ass, can you really be trusted with someone else’s oral hygiene, asshole?
9. Only assholes scold people for starting across the street before the light was green for them to go.
10. At four-way stops, you’re the asshole who waits for EVERY car to come to a rich, robust, stop before you creep slowly through an intersection, and somehow your stupidity causes everyone to forget who’s turn it is to move their ass first.
11. You are driving and you’re talking on your cell phone…assholes, assholes every one!