I awoke this fine morning hoping to retrieve the Sunday paper from the lawn without incident, pretty standard. How shocked was I to encounter a DILDO on my lawn? It was flesh-tone… you know a waxy, crayon-ish, unrealistic shade of flesh and it wasn’t really smooth. There were bits of grass stuck to it and some small black bugs had claimed it as their own flesh-tone yard log.
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NOW, I am all about people having a good time whether it is with other people or by themselves BUT since when did a DILDO become a one-time-use disposable item?
Plausible and not so plausible reasons why a DILDO may have turned up in my yard:
1. It was made out of biodegradable material - so really, any yard would serve as a perfectly acceptable place to dispose of your DILDO. Dispose is such an ugly word shall we use the phrase, return to the Earth, instead?
2. My yard looked too barren - so instead of placing a creepy gnome or obnoxious pink flamingo on the lawn to liven things up a bit you decided that a flesh-tone DILDO was the perfect choice to add just the right amount of spice.
3. This was a hint – so I’m a single chick living alone on the Eastside (truly this is a curse) who is not getting a lot of action. Could you be a little more subtle, please? A DILDO on the lawn is like someone walking around with a T-shirt on that reads, Bush is a fucking moron…not too much to read into or figure out there! Jeeeeeeeeez!
***Side Note: No amount of cleaning, not even a run through the dishwasher on SANATIZE, would ever be enough to entice me into riding this pre-owned, mysterious lawn dong
4. It fell out – so you were walking across my lawn for some inexplicable reason last night and your portable, 9 inches (guesstimate) of love fell out of you and you didn’t notice. OR maybe you did notice and just thought…ewwww icky grass and bugs, let’s just leave it here. I’ll buy a new DILDO with my daddy’s credit card tomorrow.
5. Someone was practicing – so some big event or competition is coming up. Here is a list of the possibilities as I see them:
a. The Lorena Bobbitt Cock Tossing Competition
b. The rollout of the new board game: Hustler’s Scavenger Hunt
c. The 16th Annual Wear Your Cock on the Walk fundraiser for ED.
d. Naughty Lawn Darts on the Eastside – BYOD – bring your own dart.
6. New Candid Camera Show to Air – so this was all caught on tape and you may soon be viewing it in your living room. I’ll be the one with sever bed head wearing the purple, shorty pajamas and a WTF expression.
I just know the garbage man is gonna think it’s mine! Thanks DILDO slut!