Gentlemen, I implore you: please do not have a threesome with my roommate.
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Perhaps my concern over this matter is due to my own negligence. You see, I moved in to this apartment several weeks ago under certain pretenses. When I first met the young lady who inhabited it, I was not put off by the prospect of moving in with her, as I did not find her attractive. To be sure, there was nothing wrong with her in terms of either appearance or personality, but she seemed rather ordinary; perhaps even mousey. Until today, every time we have encountered one another her hair has been up, her face free of any kind of makeup, and her wardrobe appeared limited to baggy jeans and sweatshirts. As such, I had no doubts about my ability to move in to the second bedroom and share the apartment with her on a purely platonic level. After all, what man in his right mind would willingly take on a roommate that he was sexually attracted to? Such an unholy union of hormones and personal finance decisions could lead only to disaster.
I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when I saw her dressed to go to a club this evening. She passed me on her way out, and for a moment I had no idea who she was or what she was doing in my apartment. She wore tastefully applied makeup and let down her hair, which I had no idea was so long, so lustrous, and so wonderfully girly-smelling. Her thin tank top gave just hint of her marvelous cleavage (did she even HAVE breasts before today?) as well as a delicious view of a small tattoo on her shoulderblade and another, larger one on the small of her back. Her form-fitting low rise jeans and high-heeled leather boots perfectly accentuated her ass, which I quickly noticed was shaped like a little upside-down heart. I love that. She simply smiled at me and said: "don't wait up," while I sat at the table attempting to put my tongue back inside my head.
For the next six hours, I marveled over what I had seen. I successfully fought the urge to do anything creepy or pervy while she was out, though I was tempted to take a look through her room to get an idea of what kind of lingerie she owns. Such information would be enormously valuable in my sexual fantasies, but fortunately I am a man of considerable restraint. I contented myself with passing the time, alternately watching television and pacing the apartment picturing her naked. My heart skipped a beat as I heard her key slide into the lock. I would get to check her out again as she walked from the living room to her bedroom!
I was disheartened when she stumbled through the door giggling, and the emotion was compounded when you two gentlemen followed behind her. Clearly the three of you were quite drunk. I did find it rather comical how she mixed up your names, though I can't say I remember either of them. You all used the bathroom, two times each, leaving the other two to make uncomfortable drunken small talk with me each time. Then the three of you retired to her room, though I feel I must warn you that these walls are paper-thin. I can clearly hear quite a lot of giggling, as well as the bass of your voices and an occasional cooing noise from her. After careful analysis of these sounds, I have decided that sex has not taken place... yet. I beg of you, please refrain from having sex with her. My sexual fantasy has only just begun a few hours ago, and I fear that I shall never recover it should it become permanently attached to the sounds and mental images of my luscious roommate being tag-teamed by your ugly drunken bodies.
I now know that my formerly unremarkable wallflower has the capacity to transform herself into a ravishing little sex kitten. I only hope that she will once again come home drunk and horny, only this time all alone, with no one but me to comfort her in her uninhibited, deperate, inebriated haze of desire. Please sirs, give me this chance. I will gladly notify you afterwards, when things have become uncomfortable and awkward between us. At that time, you will be more than welcome to return and have your threesome with my hot roommate. I will even supply the condoms. At minimum, I hope you will have the at least the courtesy to be too drunk to get it up and fall asleep immediately afterward.