Originally Posted: 2006-08-29 8:50pm

favorite this post Open Letter to My Colonoscopy Dr. (Cheeks)

Dear Doctor,

I visited you a couple of weeks ago. You were exceedingly busy so I was shown to a room to await your arrival. By the time you rolled in, it was 50 minutes past my scheduled appointment time but...oh MY LORD! When I slapped eyes on you, I'd have forgiven you anything! At that precise moment, wouldn't you know it, I was checking my grill in the tiny over-the-sink mirror, making hideous faces looking for any hint of lunchtime broccoli. Not an auspicous start to our relationship.

You, however, were a gentleman and pretended not to notice. As you walked to your desk I couldn't help but notice your ass looked fantastic in those purple scrubs. Where do you work out? If you tell me, I'll make every effort not to let you know I'm stalking you. You turned and smiled...probably caught my eyes glued to your backside. Those teeth - perfect! (and indeed, just right for nibbling my breasts or any other nibble-able parts) You made eye contact - most assuredly difficult when you had to know that I was going almost cross-eyed trying not to gawk at your package.

So, we sat and had our discussion. You droning on about the procedure (I'll admit, I have absolutely no clue what to expect on the Big Day) and me nodding brightly and trying to extrapolate exactly what your mixed-race origins might be. To your parents I say: Well done! You cooked up the genes just right.

After about 30 minutes with you and the wonderfully graphic poster you utilized to try to scare the bejeezus out of me, it was time for us to part ways. I departed sadly but with hope in my heart! Because I know that in just a few short weeks I will once again be priviledged by your presence at my bedside.

Turns out that you, my Doctor-With-the-Most-Fabulous-Ass, will be the very same doctor who will shove a camera up mine. As I am a fan of backdoor fun - mind you, only infrequently and on special occasions - I am chagrined to admit that I fear my upcoming meeting with you again. The camera is *gasp* the size of a grown man's pinkie finger and dare I speculate that the initial thrust might cause me to cry out your name in ecstasy?!

I shall endeavor not to come. But just in case, throw me a double-barreled shot of that crap that's supposed to knock my ass out and cause temporary amnesia because I sure as hell don't want to remember acting like a porn star while I'm being violated for medical reasons.

You are beautiful. Please take the amnesia-crap yourself so you won't remember if I make a lewd pass at you during the procedure. Probably you won't be turned on if you're looking at my intestines on the monitor. I'd rather have you remember me fondly.

Your devoted patient.

post id: 200669478