Исх. размещ.: 2005-06-02 18:14 (no longer live)

Um... About That Enormous Purple Monkey....

If you were the surprise recipient of an enormous purple monkey today, I just wanted to tell you it's my fault and I'm profoundly sorry for putting you through that.

I'd had said enormous purple monkey in the garage for a long time, and I thought I had finally found a good use for it. See it's one of those huge, embarrassing stuffed contraptions they hand out as prizes at carnivals, and somehow I had ended up with it, hated it, crammed it into a back corner in the garage, and tried to forget about it. Well, just try to forget about an enormous purple monkey; it's impossible. It haunts your dreams, sings show tunes in the back of your mind, and shakes its purple ass in your face as if it were right there in front of you. I knew I had to get rid of the enormous purple monkey for good.

Well lo and behold, I saw an ad requesting toy donations for a children's charity and it was like the perfect answer to my enormous purple monkey problem. I eagerly looked forward to putting the enormous purple monkey into some towheaded, Bambi-eyed, cancer-stricken waif's arms and doing a small bit of good for the world (while accomplishing the much more important task of releasing myself from the clutches of the horrible batting-stuffed nightmare). My delight was boundless... but ultimately short-lived.

I glanced at the address where we had been directed to drop off the toys, and, enormous purple monkey in tow, I righteously headed off to make some sick kid's dream come true. I pulled up to 3478 on a pleasant residential street, unloaded the enormous purple monkey, and planted it on the front step of the house. My good deed for the day had been done. I had donated an adorable toy to a good cause and I was certain the owner of the house would come home and be overjoyed to find such a cute sight waiting for them, an enormous purple monkey donated to a cause so close to their heart, ho ho!

Well, fate can kiss my ass. Here's where I should have slowed down to think a little bit. As I drove off in a haze of self-congratulation, I glanced across the street to a porch at an address which I now see could only have been 3487, and saw it loaded with toys and games and sports equipment, and led myself on a mental detour. I thought "well goodness gracious me, if those people don't have a ton of toys! Wouldn't it be great if they donated all that to the charity, it's right across the street after all! Ho ho!" If I hadn't been distracted with my overload of hearty do-gooding I might have thought instead "oh look, maybe that's the address at which we're supposed to drop off the toys!" You see where I'm going with this.

Indeed when I got home I saw that the address I had scribbled down was 3487, not 3478, and, certain that I had inflicted the enormous purple monkey on 3478, I felt a feeling of immediate guilt. Not for depriving some whimpering, dying child of a fabulous enormous purple monkey toy, but rather for setting up some innocent stranger for the scare of his or her life at his or her own home. Damn. Some poor sap is going to pull into his or her driveway and find an enormous purple monkey looking back at him or her and I can only hope he or she doesn't drop dead of shock.

So, if this happens to you tonight, I just wanted to say I'm dreadfully sorry.

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