Originally Posted: 2007-06-03 01:18

Dear Dog: just take a shit already

Ok Dog, we need to talk.

Every time I take you out for a shit, the exact same series of events happen:
I get the blue leash and clip it to you
we go outside
I say "go potty"
you take a shit

Every walk ever starts with the blue leash and a shit. You do not know what the outdoors is like without taking a shit.

So why is this such a hard concept to understand right now?

You slept all evening (snoring, I might add) and at 11pm I noticed your eyes were at least open, so I decided it would be good to take you out for a dump. This, I assumed, would be one of those groggy potty breaks where you hobble down the stairs, squat, poop, hobble back up, and blearily settle back into your pillow to resume dreaming about the days when you still had balls.

Instead, you decided it was time for Fun Backyard Exploration. You had to smell every single clover before deciding to eat all of them. I kept hoping you were sniffing for a place to poop, but it was always just catching up on the latest "who walked by here" for every verticle surface available. Don't eat that. Put that down. Quit kicking dirt on me. Go potty. Go potty. I'm not holding this plastic bag and saying "go potty" for my own health, you know.

But nothing. So we go for a walk around the block, and you spend another 10 minutes wandering about the front yard. Seriously, you're picking a place to shit not snuffling for truffles. More pacing, more sniffing, but no squatting, so we go back to the backyard.

Another 5 minutes goes by and it becomes apparent that shitting is not on the agenda this evening, just smelling. Fine, we go inside, you go back to your crate, and I go to bed.

Just as I'm crawling in, I hear a squeak. Is it my roomate coming home? sqeak squeak, no, it's the 1am "but I really do have to poop" squeak. Fine, out we go again.

Once again you spend 5 minutes interrogating every bug (no, they don't want to be your friend. You always kill them) you make it clear that oh no, you don't want to poop, you want to play! look dog, it is one in the morning. Those times earlier today when I was waving a rope wildly while saying "get it! get it!" while you looked at me like I was retarded and sat around doing nothing? THOSE were times to play. But no, you spent the afternoon trying to take up ALL of my couch (I'm 3 times your size, why do you get 3/4ths of the couch?) and so NOW you want to play.

Unfortunately for you, I'm going to bed. Here's a stuffed animal that used to squeak (before you killed it), goodnight.

I'll see you at 4am.

post id: 343768259