Originally Posted: 2005-03-18 1:33pm

favorite this post South Philly Hilarity

After five minutes of straight shouting I finally moved to the window to check it out. I assumed it was probably just the 12-year-old prostitot from next door in a heated discussion with one of her many customers, but no, I see instead another neighbor's kid. By kid I mean maybe 17. (It's so hard to pinpoint ages of Italians due to their rather short stature and their excessive hair growth which seems to begin around age 5). At any rate, this man/child's nose is bleeding profusely - obviously broken. He is screaming at someone in the rowhouse. Suddenly, he leaps up his three-step stoop and disappers inside.

Thinking the show is over, I return to taking bong rips and watching "Pardon the Interruption." Seconds after sitting back down, I hear a loud crash and glass falling to the street. Rushing back to my post, I tilt the blind to see the same Man/Child standing on top of a car and hitting it as hard as he can with an alumunim baseball bat. Now picture this with me for a minute. A 5'3" hairy Italian guy with blood pouring out of his nose is standing on the roof of a car slamming it with a bat. In about three minutes, the previously tricked out Civic looks like a roadblock in Iraq. Eventually man/child starts to tire. It looks like he just might be done swinging. He takes a quick breather, preparing for what looks like the final blow. Out of nowhere I hear a pop and man/child grabs his neck. Another pop and man/child jumps of the car and crouches down behind it. Out of the corner of my eye I see movement from the front of the rowhome. It's man/child's older brother slowly creeping out the door with a pellet gun and a garbage can lid as a shield. Unfortunatly for the viewers of this fantastic new reality show, Man/Child's bro., let's call him Vinny (which is probably actually his name) is shirtless, proudly displaying his out of control back hair. So back to the story.

We now have a showdown in the street. Man/child makes the first move and takes a swing which Vinny blocks expertly with his trash can lid. Man/child is now wide open and Vinny pops him with a bee bee from three feet away right to the gut. This goes on for about five minutes while the neighbors are betting (really, side bets were being taken) on the victor.

Form around the corner three black gansta types appear. As they walk by the fighting ring (actually a little side street called Wilder St.) one of them foolishly makes a comment. Wrong time, wrong place for that. A neighbor hears this and promptly takes a swing at the guy. All three black guys stop and start talking shit. Now it's really on. To wrap this long story up, three black gansta dudes are sprinting down Dickenson St. with about 30 Italians following. Vinny is runing and stopping to fire some pellets from time to time like a WWII soldier.

This is a completely true story. It was the craziest 20 minutes of action-packed reality that I've seen. Gotta love South Philly.

I got the scoop later that day.

Man/Child's nose was broken by Vinny b/c Man/Child was stealing Vinny's Ectasy. Man/Child was so pissed about his broken nose, he destroyed Vinny's ride. Black ganstas were just in the wrong place and the wrong time and said some stupid shit. Rumor has it that neighborhood caught up to ganstas around 8th St. and administered a vicious beatdown.

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