Originally Posted: 2006-11-29 3:09pm

favorite this post Maddening Phrases from w4m

Every so often someone posts a list of problems with the dismal personal ads here on CL Portland. I always enjoy reading them. I'm a 30 y.o. male who is fit, attractive and relatively successful. I've gone on 3 CL dates in the past year. 2 were 1-date outings, the 3rd became a girlfriend who I still care about. All were beautiful, funny and cool in general.

Here's some phrases which did NOT appear in their ads:

1) Partner in crime. You think its witty, but it is not. Its past hackneyed, past cliche. At this point its almost kitch. Besides, no one actually wants a partner in crime. You want a partner in playing pool, or hiking, or drinking, or in life, or in marriage, or in child-raising, etc. Say what you mean. If you think "partner in crime" is funny, its a red flag that you are not, so please do not try.

2) Not a barbie doll. Often paired with "but not a fattie either". We get it. No one is a barbie doll. No normal guys even want a barbie doll. We want a woman. Women have curves. Men vary greatly in how "curvy" they like their women. I like petite girls with small chests and round bubble asses. Other guys like huge tits and really big calves. So TELL US! There is a HUGE range of body types in between "barbie doll" and "fattie" so give us a clue. You may be surprised how many more responses you get when you're honest with us (and yourself) and get specific about your body.

3) Numbered lists. Ugh. No good man will respond to a list of "requirements" or a list of qualities about you. Use the narrative form; its much more enjoyable for the reader. Not to mention, a man can get a sense of you and your personality from how you write (even if you're not a great writer). Skip the bullet points, this isn't a sales presentation. It really isn't.

4) Boyfriend application. Screams STUCK UP BITCH. "But wait, I was just being funny!" No, you weren't. At least, that isn't how it comes off to someone on the other end. Maybe sitting in your room with your girlfriends, you're giggling about it, but its really just dumb. And at this point, cliche (see number 1).

5) I have herpes. Self-deprecation, used tastefully, can be charming and make others feel at ease. But announcing the one thing you're least proud of about yourself in the title of your post is not a wise move. I often think these women don't really even want a date, they are just venting in a place where they can get frustrated with men. But if you are dating with herpes (20% or more of people are, so its not the end of the world) then don't mention it right away. The thing to do is get to know someone, build a little trust, and then talk about it.

6) I'm fat. More self-deprecation. But this move is just as bad as being misleading or lying about your body type. You may think you're fat. But not everyone will. Further, there are a lot of ways women attract men, and body type is just one of them. Don't get fooled by the 3 idiots on here who bash overweight women every day. Look around; there are overweight couples everywhere. You could be one of them, but not if you turn the guy off in the first 2 words of your ad.

7) Just got out of a long-term relationship. Who the hell wants to be the rebound? Ok, ok...some guys like rebound girls because its a guaranteed fuck and they can treat you like shit afterward. Do you want a guy like that? Do you want to get hurt again? Nice guys won't go for a girl on the rebound. So even if you are, don't mention it. You never know what might happen, so don't put yourself in a little box before you've even looked inside.

8) Hot horny girls want sex in your neighborhood today! Just kidding...

9) I need a date for a wedding or office party. Often, these women are attractive. And the appeal of a specific date idea instead of a non-specific "I want a man" posting cannot be denied. BUT, why don't these girls have any male friends they can take? Here's what to do: find a guy and go for a drink or coffee, THEN if you like him, invite him to the party. He'll feel special, and not like some piece of meat you're schlepping around so you aren't embarassed by being alone.

10) Movie quotes. This is the absolute worst thing you can do, in my opinion. I know my share of movie quotes too, but give us an ORIGINAL thought. Song lyrics are nearly as bad, but since music can bring people together like no other medium, lyrics are excusable. But skip the movie quotes unless your absolute favorite pasttime is watching movies or your quote is from something obscure. Note: Wedding Crashers is not an obscure film.

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