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Originally Posted: 2003-05-16 14:51

They kicked me off the onion personals

Hiya boys,
Okay, so I tried the online thing, which all in all was a big disappointment, not that it wasn't fun to meet a couple of socially inept businessmen and a guy 10 years older and 50 pounds heavier than his photo, so then in jest I posted a ranting profile on a certain online personals listing that talked about all the things I found irritating in online personals ads. And you know what, the Onion kicked my profile off because I stated in there that I was taking myself off the online market out of frustration. They said I was misreprenting myself, however that works, 'cause I thought I was being really really honest. So, in any case, I'm re-posting it here, both for my own amusement, and so that I can rant a little I thought the Onion was SUPPOSED to be funny...

I am a: woman

Looking for: a man

Interested in: some type of relationship other than random sex

Age: If you are under 38, please take your age and subtract 4. If you are over 38, please take your age and subtract 10. That's how old I am.

Build: If you are a women and weigh 98 pounds and under, you are considered "average" by men, so please check your box accordingly. If you weight anywhere above 135 pounds, make sure that you mark either "average" or "athletic," or no one will be interested in you. If you are a man and weigh anywhere from 150-350 pounds, "athletic" is also appropriate.

Occupation: I am a woman. Men don't care what we do. For the boys: pick something that makes alot of money. We like that, even if we don't admit it.

Education: Please see occupation above.

Ethnicity: Some kind of mutt, like most people.

Religeon: Science

Star Sign: I have difficulty understanding how anyone with half a brain can believe in astrology. If you like stars, read up on astronomy.

Relationship status: single. Please note: if you are in the process of breaking up with someone, but haven't yet finished, you can mark "single" here too, as long as you don't mention it when you meet.

Have children: No

Want children: Yes, unless you don't, and then it's a maybe and I'll assume I can talk you into it later.

Last great book I read: Here is where you let people know what a smarty you are. Sample: "Recently, I have been reading extensively on dynamic systems models of human relationships. It's invigorating!"

Most Humbling Moment: Here, you're supposed to somehow impart both your potential as a possible mate, as well as your facility with social situations. The latter issue is of particular concern in online dating. Sample: "When I got caught by my mom in the Ferrari we rented for the weekend in the Hamptons with two naked girls. I told her they were topless because they were French. Would you believe she bought it?"

Favorite on-screen sex scene: Here you can indicate if you're looking for hot sex or want a romance/relationship kind of thing. Also, this is a good opportunity to let people know whether or not you're the Hollywood/Hallmark puppet/chain restaurant type or the independent film/individualist/gourmet food type.

Celebrity I resemble most: My favorite is when people describe themselves as a mix of different celebrities. Sample: "My friends tell me I look like a mix between Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise, with George Clooney's upper lip and hair like Seth Green." You know what? Most people don't look like celebrities. That's part of the reason they're not celebrities.

Best (or worst) lie you've ever told: Most common response - "I never lie." Now come on here, when you're just meeting someone, why on earth would you bring up your lying abilities? Particularly if you're good at it. Better to keep that covert, you may need it later. My recommendation here is put a really lame answer that would clearly never work in real life.

If I could be anywhere at this moment: Hint to the boys: the ladies love it when you mention an exotic travel location. It indicates both financial security as well as an adventurous spirit. Bonus points for mentioning you're looking for someone to travel with.

Song or album that puts me in the mood: Which mood? Now, yes, I do know what they mean, but when are men not in the mood? And for women, well, it's not about the music. It's about the dinners and the pretty baubles. Plus, the real point here is to show everyone how hip you are anyways.

The five items I can't live without: My occipital, temporal, parietal, and especially my frontal lobes, plus my cerebellum. Not everyone seems to utilize them, but I really like them.

In my bedroom you'll find:
What men usually say:
1. Me
2. My guitar
3. A book of deep poetry with really big words.
4. Candles
5. A big, comfy bed

What's more likely:
1. Me
2. My dusty guitar
3. Maxim
4. A hopeful box of condoms and a half-empty tube of lubricant
5. A sagging bed with dirty sheets

What women usually say:
I don't know. I haven't looked at their profiles. Maybe bunches of cats or too many shoes or old love letters from the high school football captain tied together with ribbons.

Fill in the blanks: *A witty comment* is sexy, *not spending two hours composing it* is sexier.

Why you should get to know me: you shouldn't, really.

More about what I am looking for: Okay, actually, how about what I'm NOT looking for?

1. Daily five page emails about your hobbies, talents, desires, and proclivities, including frequent mention of costly activities to indicate financial freedom, stories about your family to show how emotionally functional you are, discussion of the quality and quantity of your existing social relationships, and especially stupid, sideways smiley faces.

2. Pictures of you in a towel. Bonus points for flexing. As a hint to the boys, this tells us ladies that you are looking for sex, and sex only. Do not be surprised at who answers.

3. Pictures of you taken 5 years ago when you had more hair and less belly. Nobody is fooled by blurry focus, low resolution, baseball caps, large sunglasses or faraway shots. Keep in mind that it's okay to have flattering pictures of yourself, but throw in an ugly one too to keep it real.

4. Men who, despite being ugly, fat or bald themselves, expect a super hot chick. My advice to you here is: have lots of money. And, don't complain that women are only after you for your money if you're playing out of your league. At least be honest about what you're doing.

Further notes:

1. If you're female, it's okay to lie about your height if you usually wear high heels. If you're male, you must be at least six feet,regardless of your true height.

2. If you smoke when you drink, mark that you "never" smoke. You should be able to hide that fine as long as you don't get too trashed.

3. Getting trashed every weekend night is defined as drinking "sometimes" not "often." Incidentally, it's amusing how there're separate checkboxes for alcohol and drugs. Apparently, alcohol is not a drug.

4. If you are female, state the color of your hair even if it's not natural. Guys can't figure that stuff out anyways as they are incapable of seeing roots. If you are male, there is no need to mention loss of hair. You can always wear a cap.

5. Last and most important: you are expected to lie. If you feel badly about this, think of it as embellishment. It's like a resume where you play up shitty jobs so that they look good.

Cheers all, and good luck on the market. Maybe I'll see you out on the town some night. I'm the one with the big smile flirting outrageously with boys. Warning: I may act dumb to mess you with if I'm bored.

post id: 11388858