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Originally Posted: 2016-06-27 10:28

2012 Kia Sorento EX with the soul of a Ferrari and built by craftsmen


What happens when ex-Ferrari F1 engineers toss back a few beers with ex-Rolls-Royce craftsmen? They create the 2012 Kia Sorento EX. But wait, before you continue reading, you need to ask yourself . . .

Why wouldn't you want to replicate the feeling of riding on a majestic dual-horned unicorn?

Now, be warned, this beast is not for everyone. If you're a guy or gal that can handle Kardashian levels of attention from the paparazzi as you drive around your neighborhood, you don't want to pass up this offer.

The power plant derives from the V12 Ferrari F12 Berlinetta. . . kinda. . . sorta. In order to fit the all-aluminum, race-bred engine under the hood, the engineers had to cut it in half. As it sits, the now 3.5L DOHC CVVT V6 engine produces 276hp (horsepower) or about 800cp (centaurpower)

The power is delivered to the ground by a 6-speed automatic transmission with Sportmatic mode. Once Sportmatic is engaged, forget about Tesla's "Ludicrous" mode and get ready to go plaid. Now, I don't recommended using Sportmatic mode when there are children under the age of 6 years old or under 48 inches tall in the vehicle, as it may stunt their growth or put you on the watchlist at your local Child Protective Services office.

As powerful the engine is, it sips fuel like a sommelier sips wine. It's rated at 16-31 mpg depending on the altitude, weather and road rage conditions, and I've been able to maintain a healthy 22 mpg average. Since I'm Middle Eastern, I've only used the finest motor oil from my uncle's private family reserves in Dubai. Not even Lamborghini has access to this type of lube.

Because owners of such unique machines are always VIP, Kia's skunkworks division equipped the Sorento with safety features to keep its owner and some occupants safe. I say "some" because it has a special "Mother-in-Law" button tucked away in the ashtray. Once engaged, you'll hear a voice say "you're welcome," then sensors will deactivate only the safety features around your mother-in-law. It also has an impressive list of acronyms like ABS, TCS, ESC, LATCH, TPMS, PMS and STD.

The interior has been designed with luxury and environment in mind. The seats, steering wheel and shift knob are wrapped with the hide of Japanese Kobe beef cows. To balance the opulence of the leather, the ex-Rolls-Royce craftsmen meticulously printed a wood pattern on plastic trim pieces throughout the vehicle.
Infinity actually played Sting's hit song "Desert Rose" over 250,000 times until they tuned the audio system to replicate what it might sound like if you listened to that song in acoustic form in a bathroom stall.

To keep you connected, the Sorento has all sorts of USB ports and Bluetooth. The technology doesn't stop there -- it also has a Push Button Start system in case you have carpal tunnel and can't twist a key, a back-up camera so you no longer have to rely on your drunk friends when hitching up to your yacht and a digital compass so you can feel like Christopher Columbus as you navigate through traffic. Speaking of navigation, it has that too.

The sleek exterior is reminiscent of works of art only found at the Guggenheim museum. The silhouette has been designed to mimic a liger moments before pouncing onto a jackalope. To achieve the design philosophy of "Meosjin Maelyeog" or "Fabulous Glamour," chrome can be found almost everywhere. It has so much chrome that I constantly get asked if it's been in rap videos . . . Yes, yes it has.

You may think that such a machine would cost about $194,432.78, and you're right, it did . . . when it was new. But today, I will part with this seductive machine for $18,000. I'm open to specific trades. Some of the items I would be interested in would be either a Hublot Big Bang watch in rose gold with a tobacco leather band or a bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1945. Don't waste my time with empty inquiries, I run a booming business making erasers for mechanical pencils.

In the immortal words of Ferris Bueller: "It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up."

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