I'm glad you're reading this because I don't
have much time. I am currently being held prisoner in a small cell inside of
some sort of war ship. All they have given me is bread, water, and an Internet
connection to live off of. My team and Iwere planning on taking over the world but our plan has failed because some of us were allergic to bees and got stung. We're currently working on a 'Plan B' (no
relation to the cause of our original plans downfall, although there was debate
over whether we should rename what we would normally call 'Plan B' to 'Plan C'
but that is not important right now), which will involve a hell of
a lot of duct tape and empty cartons of cigarettes.
I
am sending this message in hope that you will be able to contact your local
authority figure (perhaps your parents, or perhaps the people at Dunkin' Donuts)
and let them know of my situation.