First off, lovely lady, let Lance welcome you to his personals ad. To give you an idea of what I am like, I will quote the president of my fan club:
“Lance Romance is every woman’s dream: sultry, debonair, and a warrior of love. Lance inspires poets and songsters, while giving a gal the courage to dream. I will name my first child after Lance Romance, even if it’s a girl.”
In my off time, I like to volunteer with the Special Olympics as a hugger. For that special lady, I will croon Michael Bolton songs and recite Tom Cruise’s lines from ‘Jerry McGuire’ in falsetto voice (yes, I will have you at hello).
I have a fourth degree yellow belt in the Art of Karate and dance the Charleston like you’ve never seen. Sunday mornings, I practice Tai Chi in the nude, in front of my ten cats. I have the unique gift of being able to “keep it real”, while simultaneously “taking it to the next level.” My favorite movies include 'Breakin 2 The Electric Boogalo', 'Weekend at Bernie’s II', and 'Mannequin.'
I am not afraid to cry. On rainy days, I pour a glass of Chardonnay, stare motionless out the window at the trees, and let the tears stream down my cheek.
I am very close with my parents, as we often chat and share. After we are done, I walk back to my bedroom.
I always dress immaculately, often in Purple. I am more macho than Jack Tripper and much handier than Schneider. I am as funny as Gallagher and I love to be nude.
I know this is a lot to take for you. You may have a sudden urge to commit Hari Kari at the thought of missing out with Lance Romance. Take a deep breath, my precious treasure. Look what happened to Icarus.