Ok, here's the setup: I sell electronics for a large web/mail-order company. We work in cubicles, taking orders and answering questions over the phone. Like any reputable electronics store, we'll try to match prices with other retailers. Since our livelyhood depends on not being hung up on, we also need to be pleasant to deal with.
That means you can dick about the price and ask stupid questions, and I have to suck it down.
Today's mostly-true converstation:
CUSTOMER: How much for the Canon S400 camera?
ME: That would be $399.99.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, but what's MY price?
ME: Well, I can try to match a lower price. Have you seen it cheaper elsewhere?
CUSTOMER: Sure have.
ME: For how much?
CUSTOMER: Oh, wouldn't you like to know? No dice, buddy.
ME: Well then how am I supposed to..
CUSTOMER: Just give me the lowest possible price. You only get one chance: if your price isn't low enough, I'll just hang up on you. And if it IS low enough, I still won't tell you, but maybe I'll buy it four months from now, from another salesman, and I'll pay with a check that'll bounce and find a way to blame you for it, and by the way can you ship to Thule, Greenland? Your competitor can, and they throw in a free case.
ME: Ok, how about $369?
CUSTOMER: So you're gonna waste my time, is that it? Let me speak to the manager.
ME: Sorry, they're all busy thinking up ways to avoid talking to tools like you, sir. What say I throw in free shipping? Have we got ourselves a deal?
Because of calls like that, I've decided to put together this helpful list of how best to conduct oneself during a telephone sales transaction, in order to maximize the consumer experience as richly as possible. So, herewith, some tips. Clip and save!
1) If you are a fraudulent caller, save us both some time up front and place your order like this: "Yeah, uh, lemme get a plasma teevee. And a Playstation. Lemme get a Playstation. The name on the card is, just a sec...Dr. Irwin Goldberg."
2) If you would like to know the price of an item, specifics always help. If you have a part number, fantastic.
RIGHT: How much is the Toshiba A15-S109 laptop computer? Very good! This customer gave information on the brand, type of product, and part number.
WRONG: How much is your computers?
WRONG: How much is Toshiba?
WRONG: How much is that laptop, you know, that skinny one?
WRONG: How much is that one Toshiba laptop, you know the one that's like $1299?
WRONG: How much does your competitor sell this laptop for?
WRONG: I want to sell my laptop on eBay. You sold it 5 years ago. How much should I ask?
WRONG: I'm thinking of building my own laptop. How much would that cost?
WRONG: My friend just bought a laptop from you. I think it was you, anyway. How much did he pay?
WRONG: I can't afford to buy a laptop, but how much are they?
3) When asked for a phone number, it is customary to include the area code, just in case we aren't in the same county. Here's a neat way to tell: did you need to dial an area code to call us? Then you aren't in that area code. Just to be sure, here's another fun tip: We are in New York City. If you are not sure where you are, ask some nearby people where you are. If they tell you to fuck off, there's a good chance that you are also in New York City. If they helpfully provide an answer, you're not in New York City. I'll need that area code.
4) Customarily, credit cards have 16 digits in groups of four. Amex cards have 15 digits. If you only see 12 digits, try this little trick:keep the card directly in front of you, and with your eyes, look at the card, just the right of where the numbers seem to end. When executed properly, you will see more numbers! If you still only see 12 numbers, then you are looking at your library card. If you don't see any numbers at all, you are looking at your hand.
5) When you read a credit card number to me, please don't get fancy. If it starts 4082 3006, then say "four oh eight two three oh oh six", or "four zero eight two three zero zero six".
Don't say "forty eighty two". Don't say "four ought eighty...two". Don't say "forty eight deuce". Don't say "thirty oh six". Dont say "three thousand...six". Don't say "three hundred...and six". Don't say "three double-ought six". I am a paid professional, sir. Do not think for a second that you can be hip to my lingo, because you'll just hurt yourself.
6) When you call to ask me about a product, please don't do this:
ME: Thanks for calling, how can I-
YOU: The Canon S400! Cost and availability!
Larry King gets away with it. You don't.
7) If you would like to know if we carry a CD, it will be helpful for you to know the name of that CD. Otherwise, we may have difficulty fulfilling your request. We may also have difficulty not accidentally hitting the 'disconnect' button. Whoopsie!
8) And finally: if you must bellow to me from across the room using your speakerphone, at least try to shout louder than the combined roar of the TV blasting, your crying kid, and your naggy wife. If you are on a cellphone, make sure you hold the phone close enough to your face that we can hear each other properly. If we cannot hear each other no matter what, you may be holding the phone upside down. If you are sure you are holding the phone correctly, double check to make sure it's not a walkie-talkie, or an oven mitt. Make sure to speak clearly and legibly, in English. Some of our representatives do speak Spanish, as well as Spanglish. Just ask!
I hope this has helped to enrich the time we spend together on the phone. If not, well, we'll just put you on hold until you either get sick of waiting, or die of starvation. Thanks, and take care!