1. Please leave your patio umbrellas in storage or attached to said patio
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table. You ego maniacs do not need to take up a 10 ft radius of dry space.
2. If you choose to ignore Rule #1, please have the common courtesy to
raise your patio umbrella when sharing sidewalk space with other
umbrella-carriers. Not doing so will result in umbrella fender benders and
will block traffic behind you, causing both coffee and people to spill.
3. If wearing a rain parka, hat, and a hood, please leave your umbrella at
home. Once again, dry space is limited and you have already established
your necessary space.
4. If it is determined that you need an umbrella, please do not then hog
overhangs or awnings. Once again, you have a fucking umbrella, so please
reserve limited dry space for the poor shleps who do not.
5. Please, for the love of god, if you have spiky metal points shooting out
of your umbrella, use extra caution when cutting people off, etc. or just
fucking buy a new $3 umbrella - they are everywhere.
If these rules are not followed, then any fellow New Yorker has the right to
take your umbrella, patio or otherwise, and beat you with it.