Originally Posted: 2003-11-06 3:42pm

favorite this post Wanted: Lackey for Overpaid Cretin

Good Evening,

Our firm is actively seeking self-starter with a ‘can do’ attitude to assist our staff attorney(ies) to discharge his/her daily responsibilities. This position requires the following skill set:

A. A knowledge of the temporal (.i.e, what year it is, etc.) when typing data onto photocopies of photo copies of Blumberg legal forms. Our staff of highly trained and educated professionals are simply too busy to be troubled with the whole Y2K phenomena come three years past, so someone with the motivation and ability to know the current month, date, and year on any given day is essential.

B. Our budget deadlines dictate that correction ribbon is an expensive (READ: expendable) expense. That said, a great deal of personal responsibility will placed upon the “right” candidate to meet the challenge at hand by either:

1. Making no typographical errors at any time,
2. Showing a willingness and ability to wrestle a bottle of correction fluid from any of our troll-like staff.

C. Self-ambulation: the ability to walk addressed letters left at your desk to the mailing area, where they can be properly stamped by our Postage Experts. This also may require on occasion the “right” candidate to read the body of said letters to determine if they are to be sent return receipt, priority mail, and the like.

D. Extensive phone knowledge: the “right” candidate will be able to dial local and domestic phone numbers and faxes in a correct fashion without supervision. NOTE: All applicants will be tested on the protocol of dialing local and foreign phone numbers before hire.

E. Assisting the legal staff with the taking online I.Q. tests. Rudimentary geometry knowledge is a must. Language and reasoning skills are desirable but not necessary.

F. A working knowledge office jargon, i.e., being able to decipher that “the fax machine is broken” means that it is out of paper.

G. Keeping one staff attorney in constant supply of blue markers. (Color blind applicants need not apply.)

H. Prima donnas and self-important types need not apply: More specifically, any applicant who requires respect of his or her personal space should stop reading here. The ability to countenance peaceably our staff of highly educated and trained professionals rummaging through the contents of said “right” candidate’s desk in the presence of said “right” candidate is a must.

I. Patience, preferably of the variety found in Robert Downey Jr.’s parole officer, Courtney Love’s neighbors, Kofi Annan or Laura Bush.

J. Experience working with autism or obsessive compulsive disorder is desirable, but we will provide on-the-job training to the “right” candidate.

K. The psychic gift, viz a viz, the ‘shining’ is a big plus.

Details about the position and benefits:

1. The “right” candidate will be placed in an indirectly subordinate position within the chain of command in relation to our legal staff. This will entail the “right” candidate having the flexibility to provide support to other staff members, including our Receptionists.

2. No paid holidays, save those such as Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, the “right” candidate’s own funeral, and New Years Day, etc.

3. Marginally subsidized healthcare, available after 90 days probation.

4. No pay (after all we're looking for an activity partner).

5. Interfacing in a congenial fashion with the company owner’s family whilst they are shouting at each other, being extorted for money for birthday gifts for said family members, and attending extensive wedding and baby showers for various highly educated and trained staff members who are either indifferent to or despise each other.

All applicants/go-getters and ‘Girl Fridays’ who have made through this ad thus far and are interested in applying for the great opportunity we have at hand should send a resume via snail mail to our office, as our staff of highly trained and educated professionals are too busy to read, much less manage and operate, their email accounts. In addition, our firm is hereby released from any legal responsibility if any prospective employee sends a resume via email and his or her computer gets infected by any virus or worm as a consequence of receiving a reply from any of our highly educated and trained staff. Faxes will not be accepted, as our fax is currently machine is broken.

Thank you for your interest, and we look forward to hearing from you.

post id: 18905853