i should like to tell you about the world's most wonderful job EVER.
no, it does not involve strippers.
no, it does not involve birthday parties.
it does not involve exorbitant amounts of oreos, swimming pools, traveling, or giraffes.
doesn't even involve that much $$ come to think of it...
but i assure you, it is the most AWESOME job EVER known to (wo)man!
i am speaking, gentle reader, of TEMPING.
as in TEMPORARY EMPLOYMENT.
as in, i call my agency at the beginning of the week and get to pick which days i want to work...
as in, multi million dollar corporations pay me to sit on my ass and surf the internet...
as in, all the free tasty coffee i want, with NONE of the responsibility attached!
oh no!! did i just make a mistake??
fuck it!
im just the temp! ill be gone tomorrow anyways!
(with a stash of sharpies and post-it-notes to boot!)
aww, damn! is someone giving me an actual job to do?
no worries! i play dumb...then i dont get asked to do it anymore!
(ummm.....ma'am, what does 'fack-sim-i-leee mean?)
am i getting bored with pretending to be an incompetant receptionist?
easy, dude!
i familarize myself with the best interent sites ever (sans the midget pornography), and before i know it, half the day is WASTED!
what, i am sure you are asking yourself, are the benefits of being a temporary employee?
well, they are COUNTLESS....!
if health insurance, stability and personable coworkers are your thing, then....
ummm....
yah.
lets uhhh......move on.
temping allows you to network in ways you never thought possible! in the past two months, i have temped at the corporate offices of such big companies as Victoria's Secret (sans the skinny half naked models), Banana Republic (sans the overpriced clothes), Osh Kosh B'Gosh (sans the cute kids), Bank of America (sans the $$), and Lifetime TV (sans the golden girl reruns)...wow, what a resume booster!....(well, only if youre NOT an actress...conde naste publishing wont do jackshit for MY career....but whatever...)
i've spent my days in the most exquisite, expensive offices in the city of new york...
i've snacked on granola bars overlooking pristine views of manhattan...
i've hung up on ass-y callers while sitting in a $4000 chair...
the list goes on and on...
now, the most common complaint of temporary employees is that they get BORED way too easily. but let me ask you something...
would you rather get paid to work, or get paid to think of creative ways to waste your time?
i choose the LATTER! and SO should YOU!
to demonstrate this ever-essential principle, i have come up with
j's SURVIVAL GUIDE to TEMPING like a PRO!:
*follow any or all of these steps to get the most out of your temporary position...*
1. post on CL with the full intent of having them make the "best of" column as many times in one week as possible...
2. email your resume out to companies in search of that "real job" you always wished for (but dont really want now cause you KNOW temping is the cat's meow!)...
3. familiarize yourself with the inner and outer workings of Instant Messenger. your computer terminal doesn't have IM installed? never fear! AIM express is your new best friend! if you are unfortunate enough to have buddies that all have "real jobs" and cant "chat" with you at random hours in your day because they are all "working" and shit...thats okay too. simply type into the 'send message' box a generic buddy name with a few numbers tacked along the end of it (newyorker79 or soccrboy2015 are good for starters), and proceed to chat away. play around with these new "buddies"...make them think they should know who you are, then get pissed when they dont recognize you and be demanding and accusatory ("i cant BELIEVE you dont REMEMBER ME!!! you said it was one of the BEST cyber-sex nights of your LIFE!!)
4. find something you are good at, and capitalize on it. this serves as not only a survival tool, but it might help you make some friends in the office, too...(not that you need them....you will be gone in two days! muahhhh!) personally, i am an artist, so i always bring my sketch pad and draw out little illustrations throughout the day. this is a great topic of conversation for those un-artistic corporate types whose last stint with creativity involved construction paper and crayons: "wow....so you drew that all by yourself, eh? ALL by yourself....? wow...cant believe you drew that ALL by yourSELF!!" repetitious? yes.
flattering? no.
but it sure beats: "so....you temp here often?"
you can even use your performance capabilities in the work place if necessary. as a musical theater inclined lass, i was once sequestered by the people at christian dior to sing an impromptu duet with another stage actor in the middle of the reception area. these were people who had been straight up snobs to me for the whole day, but then the opportunity reared its ugly head to see me, the poor stupid temp, squirm under probing eyes, and the entire dior staff was suddenly oozing with gooey coersion...fortunately, me and "singing dude" worked an 'aida' song right on the spot, and there was thunderous applause.
well....maybe not thunderous...more like a low murmur. but still.
5. play up the fact that you are (probably) young and good looking. you will be eye candy for all members of the sex that finds you attractive because you will be NEW, and if the people in the actual office do not flirt with you, then the mailroom, fed-ex, and bike messenger guys definitely will. this comes in handy when there are goodies in the kitchen that have not yet been doled out to you, or when you're too lazy to phone someone's extention to tell them they have mail.
6. bring a book. this is NOT highly recommended, and is only necessary in case your terminal has no IM or (god forbid!) EMAIL access...if people catch you reading, they might think you are smart, and this notion must be avoided at all costs. besides...there are much more bizarre and obtrusive ways to occupy your time, no?
7. make abstract art out of paperclips, tape, and pennies. you may use the white out as well.
8. make it your day's mission to find the most interesting and obscure websites imaginable.
9. raid the receptionist drawer for old snacks and eat them, even if you are not hungry. one can always find some soup crackers and soy sauce packets wedged inside of a drawer if he/she looks hard enough....you might even hit the jackpot and find the doritos or the hidden chocolate stash!
10. EMAIL EMAIL EMAIL. Email your mom to tell her you love her. Email your brother to remind him hes an asshole, but that you love him, too. Email your high school english teacher that you always had a thing for. Email your roomie, just cause its funny. Email your Dad's dog. Email your ugly aunt, your gay neighbor, your friends from college, the people you see everyday, the people you never see ever. go full force and reenact a drunken email excusrion to the masses.
11. embrace your love of writing, and start up a livejournal account to harbor your memories. yah, lots of people knock livejournaling, but its easier to keep up an online journal than a real one. it passes the time adequately, and those back entries get FUNNIER and FUNNIER when you go back and re-read them.
12. adopt a craft. sell your products on the temping black market. i crocheted a hat and scarf set in three hours once. thats the most productive thing EVER.
13. answer the phone using a different accent each time. self gratifying to say the least.
14. balance your checkbook.
BEWARE:
carpel tunnel syndrome: 'specially cuz you know yo ass aint got no IN-SURE-ANZ!!!
snoopy supervisors who dont want you to be emailing and chatting it up (rare occurence)
attire: im 23 years old. "stuffy" and "wardrobe" are not words that i willingly put together in one sentence. but the world of temping wants you to look as stodgy as possible. i was once complained on for dressing "too funky". i was temping at a talent agency on a FRIDAY, for heaven's sake! coochie cutters and kneesocks? hell no! apparently, hot pink ruffled skirts, black fishnets, and ballet flats are too cutting edge, even for new york city.
assholes.
power hungry punk ass bitches who like to demonstrate the teeny tiny bit of authority they have: i got fired. she was from L.A. nuff said.
ID badges: those people at the downstairs lobby? yah. they are PRAYING you are a terrorist so that they can have something exciting to do (i think their job is as boring as that of a temp)...they will seize any and every opportunity to curtail you from going upstairs to your job in a timely fashion.
early hours: man. 6 a.m. is DARK.
what better way is there than TEMPING for a young, intelligent new yorker to get acclimated to the city amd make $$?
i highly suggest that you make temping a potential part of your burgeoning career, whatever it may be....you wont regret it! your ass may hurt and you might be cracked out from the massive quantities of free coffee, but hey, apparently our economy sucks right now (i wouldnt know, cause i am STUPID ;-), so at least you have a JOB!
the end. i must stop now cause my carpel tunnel is acting up in my left wrist.