Farting is a rite of passage (ha ha) for all of us. It's also stressful -- no one wants to be identified as "the one who dealt it." Here is my gift to you. It covers how to accept your bodily functions as well as how to fart in two of the most uncomfortable environments -- the subway and the office.
THE NYC FARTER'S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL GAS-PASSING
Primer:
Get comfortable with your body and your anal sphincter muscles so that you can tell which farts will be silent and which will be audible. It is completely possible to exercise those muscles so that you can turn explosive farts into mere ethereal puffs. Experts are able to produce whatever kind of fart they want -- from a long, winding whistler to a loud burst that resonates. Make farting a learning experience; if you pay enough attention to the smells that come out of you, you will learn which food or drink triggered a specific bout of gas (examples: milk farts; brussels sprout farts; onion farts).
Psychology:
Learn to accept that flatulating is a part of being human. Many people have food allergies and sensitivities and wind up spending a good portion of their day needing to pass gas. Do not be ashamed. Anyone who says he or she doesn't fart is a liar. And girls fart just as much as guys -- sometimes even more at certain times of the month. Hormonal fluctuations will do that to you.
On the Subway:
Most certainly can and should be done. Why spend your whole subway ride in intestinal and abdominal discomfort because you're afraid that Joe Subway Rider will smell and hear your gas? Learn how to work it. First, it's helpful to read as you're passing gas, because if the fart is smelled by others, you won't necessarily be implicated -- people naturally assume that a farter is not engaged in any other activity except farting. Second, if you produce a real smeller, read others' faces discreetly to see if the ill wind has carried. If people are grimacing, make eye contact with one of them and make a face that says, "Geez! That is BAD." You automatically become part of the "not the one who dealt it" group. It's not nice to implicate others, but in dire situations you might need to slyly glance at the person next to you and move away a little so that the burden is off of you.
At Work:
If you share an office with someone or your cubicle is in very close proximity to someone else's, you should master anal sphincter maneuvering before attempting to fart. Nobody wants to crack a loud one next to their colleague. There are 2 ideal places to fart in the office:
(1) In the hallway. Generally, it's always best to fart while in transit. There's less of a chance that the smell will stick to you. Plus, the swoosh of your clothes while walking should disguise any sound leaks that may occur.
(2) In the bathroom. It is most everyone's nightmare to make noise on the potty at work. (However, each office has one person who revels in making loud, multiple farts or taking huge, painful-sounding dumps while at work. And they'll even come out of the stall smiling when they're done and ask you how you're doing, instead of waiting for you to leave the bathroom first.) For those of you who desperately need to fart at work but are afraid, there is a technique for you: The Butt-Stopper. Practice at home: Take some toilet paper and push it into your hole. Now fart. Did you make noise? If not, great! You've mastered The Butt-Stopper. If you made noise, experiment with smaller or larger pieces of toilet paper as well as the pressure you're applying to your a-hole. I pretty much guarantee this method.
Hope this little guide has helped. May you happily pass gas from your ass.