Dear morning commute train ride girl,
Allow me to explain what happened this morning at approximately 8:15 AM on the Manhattan bound L train. I have been riding this train for some time now, and like you, I am usually in the same car every morning. I know you have noticed me before today, and up until this little incident we have maintained a pleasant riding relationship.
This morning I was lucky enough to get a seat and sure enough as people got off you found yourself seated next to me. We have been in this situation before and it was only common courtesy to exchange greetings.
There we were, riding along, minding our own business when suddenly it happened. It is something that has happened to me every now and then since the 6th grade. I cannot explain this phenomenon nor am I quick to share its existence with others, but I know I am not alone. It is something that happens to guys, and it usually happens during early morning hours, although it is not surprising to find it happening at other times as well. The one key ingredient is that it must take place in a moving object and more often than not in a mode of public transportation such as a bus or train. I am of course talking about the dreaded “bus boner”.
The name bus boner is a term coined in junior high but it is also known by many other names. The Break of Dawn Hard On, Morning Commute Salute, AM Stick Up, Banana for Breakfast etc. By the way just so you know I wasn’t thinking about sex with you or anyone else for that matter, for the bus boner comes without warning.
I started to panic, which is exactly what you don’t want to do in this situation, and my tight suit pants only made matters worse. I calm down, for it is not too late to ward off an erection. I close my eyes and now I am cutting grass. I imagine myself on a baseball field cutting grass. This is what I do. I concentrate on keeping the lines straight, carefully weaving them into a beautiful pattern. And then it happens. I jerk the wheel of the mower to avoid running over 2 beautiful naked lesbians making out on the freshly cut grass. Damn It.
At this point it was very obvious that I was aroused. I thought about saying something like “Hey that’s not a big boner in my pants.” And just playing it off like it was cool, but it wasn’t. I wanted to maneuver it into a less offensive position but that would have required touching it and that would have probably been worse.
Then you looked down and away and back again just to make sure this was a boner you were looking at. Then you slid down the seat to distance yourself from what you obviously thought was disgusting. You got off at your stop but paused momentarily just long enough to give me a dirty look.
Well I just want to say I’m not sorry. I am only a man. I wish you could see past this and not hold it against me. I want a second chance. Who knows maybe we would have hit it off and you could tell our grandkids about how you met grandpa on the subway and he had a big boner and it was soooo funny. So see you on the train Monday. Hopefully.
Sincerely,
Guy with the boner
K