Originally Posted: 2009-10-26 3:52pm

favorite this post Sex duel with the neighbors

My girlfriend and I live below you. A while back, we were waking up one morning to some weird noises. Kind of like some squeaks at a pretty even pace; I thought it was a ceiling fan or something. Well, it only took a minute to figure out what was really going on. The female moans helped to narrow down the possibilities, and the long deep groan at the conclusion of the session pretty much sealed it. We heard you having sex… we giggled and were kind of embarrassed but wouldn’t you know it, it got my girl in the mood and we began having sex too. Now, my girlfriend has a pretty neat sense of humor, so to make things more interesting she started making some noises exactly like we heard coming from above. Taking her cue, when I delivered the goods I managed to let out a beast of a man-groan that shook the foundation of our apartment. We had to put pillows over our faces to muffle the laughter.

The next time we heard you, we couldn’t help but join in. We started before you were even finished. When we heard things from above, we would beckon a response. Soon we were trying to push the envelope and totally out-do you, with moans and cries and screams of pleasure that I’m sure probably caused some commotion. It became sort of a fun contest for us to out-sex you, making sure we lasted longer and were much louder than you. We would do it against the wall hoping that you could feel the pounding. Apparently we had some sort of competitive drive that we really fed off. It was fun.

Then one time we were in the process of out-doing you when we heard massive noise from above. We paused for a second to get a better listen. What we heard was indescribable.

It sounded as if the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil was upstairs having an orgy; trapeze, elephants and all. We were astonished. Were you returning fire? Had our little game turned into a contest? Were we losing? What was going on up there? How could two people make so much noise? Or did you contract in some outside help?

We had to regroup. We brainstormed possible ways to gain the upper hand. We could only do so much with our voices, and it wasn’t fair because you have the obvious advantage of being upstairs. Needless to say, we came up with some ideas.

Yesterday morning we heard you two starting to go at it. My girlfriend took off her shirt and mounted me (I must say that her competitiveness is attractive and scary at the same time). What followed was some of the craziest sex we’ve had. Headboard slamming, yelling, squeals of pleasure, cries of pain and anger, hi-profile spanking. We grabbed a broomstick and started hitting the ceiling with it as we fucked like crazy.

You, however, were just as impressive, and we could hear the craziness above us as we pushed ourselves to be as wild as possible. Soon we heard you yell words like “HARDER!” and my girl would yell back “DEEPER!” which would soon be followed by “FUCK ME!” which we would reply “FUCK MY ASS!”

It was at this point when I had a mental image that would result in this note being written. I imagined what we must all look like having sex at the same time, yelling, pounding the floor and ceiling. We were basically participating in group sex! What started out as a small competition had gotten way out of control. What did our neighbors think? I couldn’t help but start to laugh.

We give up. You win. You win the sex duel. It’s been fun, and I am grateful to you for keeping my sex life interesting, but I just don’t have the strength mentally and physically to continue. Now let’s all just go back to having normal sex.


Your downstairs neighbor (maybe we’ll meet in person sometime)

  • Location: Uptown
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