Originally Posted: 2007-01-31 4:50pm

favorite this post You Might Be Fucking My Roommate, but...

...your rights in our house end there.

Trespass in her pants as much as you like - so long as her door is open, have at it. Personally, I don't know how she can stand you, but your body is hot and your cock is large so have fun while it lasts. A personality would help things, but you are what you are and it is what it is. Fuck yourselves silly.

Now, I'm not bitter or jealous. I think everyone should have great sex. You two found a good chemistry and it's fantastic. I know what it's like to find that match and it truly is magical. I can tell you are both having the time of your life, for the time being. Congratulations! I mean that. If more people experienced that level of utopia, our world would be a much more peaceful place. However, not everyone has that luxury. You are both blessed with good DNA and I'm sure much more great sex is in your futures after this fire burns out. I've seen it a million times.

Now, since we're not really friends and I don't really see us being friends, let's try and limit the impact you have on MY life. Deal? Good.

You may continue fucking my roommate under this roof if you please stop the following:

Snatching my condoms. This may be an issue I have to take up with her, but I'm ending my funding of your fucking. At least you aren't returning them used. A surprise new box would be a nice gesture. I think you probably owe me a 24-pack.

Calling our shared phone at 3:00 a.m. She has a cell phone, use that instead. Text her there. Whatever. Just stop ringing our main line for your early AM bootycall.

Roaming around nude. Ok, these are limited instances, but remember that meeting we had in the kitchen? Awkward. Stop it. Throw on at least a towel, underwear or robe. She has about 10 of them.

Fucking in our common areas. The only reason I know this shit goes on is because I've found the condom wrappers in very odd locations. There's nothing I can do about this, but it creeps me out to think about where either your or her ass has been. If I knew you were both clean and conscious individuals, this might be an area of negotiation, but I know her habits. I've seen glimpses into yours. Do what you want in the shower. Otherwise, stay in her room, I beg you.

Showing up unannounced. There are rules to this type of relationship. Abide by them. She may have acted like it wasn't a big deal, but until you two are on the same page with regard to what 'this' is, don't get too comfortable around here.

Farting. Leave the ducks at home. I know we all do it, but that morning piss accompanied by a night's worth of gas build up is pretty loud, even with the door shut. Ok, so it's a little bit funny, but still, do I have to listen to that?

There's really only one other thing I'm bothered by. Feel free to continue drinking our beer and indulge in whatever other party favors you might be offered when hanging out. But at minimum, REPLENISH SOMETHING! You must LOVE coming to our place, it's nice and clean, she has a big bed, a high sex drive, gives you ample space, and feeds and pumps you full of booze - it's about time you step up and show a little gratitude for the situation. Outright ignorance extinguishes a hot bod and large cock sooner than later. If the head on your shoulders can't grasp that concept, the head between your legs is going to notice something's not right soon enough. That's all.

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