We are spending Christmas at my girlfriends house.......Decide to make some food ~~ some spicy food. Spicy enough to put a punch in your mouth. Both of us handle spicy peppers in the process, with failure to wash hands afterwards. We then sit down to LOTR Two Towers, and she is stroking my balls, while we are chowing on Quesadillas. 5 minutes goes by, and I notice that my balls are becoming very warm.......strangely warm. I pay little attention to it, fail to put 2 + 2, and focus on the movie again. Plus, I am getting my balls rubbed off & on, and can't think of too much else.
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Friskiness continues with my fingers starting to wander, and teasing a familiar mound. Then I decide to be cute, and put my middle finger in her butt (she loves anal). Soon I have my middle finger in her butt, my thumb has homed in on her vagina, and my other thumb is fondling The Magic Button. She's getting very excited, and about 3 minutes later starts the familiar moaning, and prelude to long-ass screams.
In the middle shes says "Take your finger out of my butt. My butt is burning" ~~~~ ME ~~~~ CLUELESS ~~~~ I say "Oh, maybe we need the vaseline". She begins wailing, and I say "What, I only had ONE finger in your butt !!" The female mind being sharper on this occasion, she snaps to the culprit first and says, "We both handled the peppers, and no one washed their hands".
I think a brick suddenly hits me. Hell, how do we make this stop ? I don't know anything about vaginal pain, and I've never had anything stuck in my butt, so I draw a blank as to what to do. I know milk calms the burning of peppers in your mouth, but this is private areas.......???#$%#%^$%%&$@........I run to grab some milk. I tell her to go to the bathroom. I bring the milk to the bathroom. She is standing in the shower screaming, and waving her hand like a fan over the wounded love tunnel, and dancing like a little kid that has to potty badly. Now I think, how will we make the milk stay ?? (~~ Enter a scene from TOM & JERRY ~~)I being looking at other products, racing back and forth in the 10 square feet that is the bathroom, with hands flailing wildly.....Do we have vaseline? Aloe? Any gel that cools? Nothing, nada. Can we use this?, it has Glycerin. Will it burn? Wait, what is this ? Everything has some alcohol, or some other suspicious looking substance that I dare not feed to the Gremlin that is the Jalapeno, lest it multiply. I don't think she hears a damn thing. She is wildly engaged in some primitive mating ritual dance that is somewhere between the Siegfried-&-Roy-Jugular-Lunge, and Pro-Football-Punting-My-Scrotum. I am almost afraid to approach her.
Me being the true genius, I say, well why don't you dunk a Tampax in the milk, and put it in your vagina. "Because the pain is on the lips, not inside", she says. So much for that idea. I say, "Well then put a Tampax in the milk, and stick that one in your butt." I am scared to leave her even for 10 seconds, because she is in such pain. Both of us are having a hard time deciding the best solution, but we finally agree to use facial cotton pads, dunk them in the milk, and hold them against the assaulted areas.
NOW I have ANOTHER problem. I need to wiz, and have a gas build-up also. Choice A: If I WIZ I am going to FART at the same time, and subject her to foulness in addition to her screaming. She is in no condition to move, and a fart from me would have added serious insult to injury. Choice B: I tell her I have to go around the corner to FART, and then come back to WIZ. I REALLY don't want to leave her alone for more than 10 seconds, I am so concerned. And again, you can picture me running back and forth like some idiot character from TOM & JERRY. Action A: I get around the corner, and realize that if I FART, I am going to WIZ on myself. In all the haste and screaming, I forgot basic rules of Male Whizzing and Distributed Body Pressures 101. Somehow, again being the brighter, she tells me to simply go into her fathers bathroom. Action B: We both decide it is a good idea that I go into her fathers bathroom.
Her banshee howling has me very confused, and yet wanting to laugh at the same time. I dare NOT. This whole time I have held laughter alternated with concern. I go to relieve myself, come back to my hunny bunny, and see that milk really does "do a body good." 10 minutes later, she is doing much better.
~~~~~~INCREDIBLE TWIST OF IRONY~~~~~~~ Earlier the same night, we had read a "Best Of Craigslist" posting in which the girls boyfriend had been assaulted with Mace, showered it onto his Penis, and had Anal sex with her, resulting in a trip to the hospital. It proves that Craigslist really is some sort of Twilight Zone. MERRY CHRISTMAS !!