1. After you show your card to the front door babe who is too busy to notice because she is flapping her mouth off to another lazy employee about what went on at the club last night, keep your ass moving. Do not stop at the big gigantic stainless steel tool chest(which is useless) or the 900 inch TV. You cant afford that either. You're in the way of people like me who gots to get to the meat section cause I gots a killer BBQ to do tomorrow.
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2. Costco was not conceived, financed and built just for you and your slow ass family. When you show up you do not automatically own the place. There's nothing worse than having an urgent need to get in and out of the damn store and I'm stuck behind your big fat flat ass, your pussy whipped dumb ass drooling husband, your 97 year old grandmother, your stuck up teenage daughter and the the little 6 year old "accident" you proudly call Amy who cant keep her spoiled hyperactive ass out of the way of everyone's shopping carts. Maybe she'll learn when I run her little L.L. Bean ass over with a flat cart with a 500lb gun safe on it. Another little shit raised on Dr. Spock books.
3. There's ALWAYS too many people in Costco. Most of them seem to think this is the greatest thing to come along since the whites moved out of South Central L.A. in '65. Please leave the entire family outside and give them enough money to gorge themselves on cheap pizza and hot dogs. Otherwise, keep them the hell out of my way.
4. You look like shit in any of the new clothes there. Keep moving.
5. Costco is not always a bargain. Neither was Fedco. You dont need to horde everthing for the afterlife. Yes, some stuff is unique but there's a reason they dont put unit pricing on everything like they do in supermarkets. That way you cant compare. And since you cant compare please stop worrying out aloud whether or not the salmon will go with the sourdough bread. I dont give a fuck. Put your shit in the basket and get the fuck out of my way.
6. You do realize that you have to buy a lot just to break even on you membership fee? Keep moving please.
7. If your stupid ass cant steer a shopping cart then just stay out of the fuckin store.
8. If you stop to look at ONE of the 425 different Celine Dionne CD' and you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle AND you ignore everyone who need to pass then your ass needs to be dragged out behind the store and shot. At least you wont be in anyone's way anymore, especially mine.
9. We're finally in the dreaded checkout line and unfortunatley you are in front of all of us and we hate you. You have enought food in two carts to feed all the starving children in South America and most of it is strange, off-the-wall expensive boutique shit no one else ever buys. Your Nextel rings and you decide, for whatever goddam reason, that you have to use the walkie-talkie feature so that everyone around can hear.
As if we all didnt know already, you are a person of privelege. You conversation is peppered with the words "checks", "accounts" and "dividends". We sigh. The rest of this conversation usually goes something like this, complete with Nextel and car keys on a soccer mom lanyard in the right hand while placing the boutique food on the belt wth the left hand:
"Yeah, we'll get the boat when we get there. Steve and Barbara have a place for us on their ranch. No, we'll probably go over to Florida after that. Why dont you all meet us there? What? Oh, sure, they just finished tiling the floor in the master guest room yesterday so by the time you get there everything should be fine. Yeah. No, the horses will be there by Thursday. Uh huh. Yeah, Tina will be coming in from Vermont on Wednesday and she'll bring the papers with her. I know, I can hardly wait...".
10. You know what? Fuck you, fuck Steve and Barbara, fuck Tina, fuck the guest house, fuck the boat, the motherfuckin horses and fuck your wonderful life. Move the goddam baskets forward bitch. I dont have all day for this bullshit.
11. Granny is dressed in all black, is obviously from some ancient far away civilization and is staring everyone in the store like they have the plague. Next time, ask her what she wants at Costco and leave her old ass at home next to her alter and candles and shit. She's giving everyone the creeps. She's probably putting a hex on everyone. I thought I saw her sneak into her purse and throw some strange powder on some poor kid when he wasnt looking. I got out of her way. I already have enough damn problems.
12. For the love of Sister Mary Joseph look at yourself in the mirror before you come to Costco. You cant get much worse than somone's 48 year old mom with a gigantic flat ass wearing pink capri spandex pant, toes that hang over the edge of sandals, huge 54DD hanging titties underneath a cheap tank top with no bra and a big ass pale peek-a-boo belly button with a tatto on it. Come on people, give us a goddam break please. I was gonna have a hot dog and pretzel after this. Shit.
13. SPEAK ENGLISH. I'd like to know what the hell all the excitement is over a large box of fruit roll-ups and why all twelve members of your family are having a cow over it in the middle of the aisle. Please put the damn box in your cart and dance around it at home. And get the hell out of my way, please.
14. Oops. I just ran over Amy's little L.L. Bean ass with the flat cart that has the 500lb gun safe on it, 20lbs of ribs, various spices, 5 gallons of ice cream, two watermelons and a box of chocolate covered rasins. Lil bitch was in my way.
She'll feel better when she gets to Florida.
Buck the dog