Originally Posted: 2003-04-22 01:53

Not All Men Are Telepathic - m4w

To The Women Of Los Angeles:
Missed connections indeed. Ladies, a good number of us men regret to inform you we are not telepathic and cannot read your mind. We get paid to take our boss's bullshit because we cannot read their minds, could you please cut us some slack? If you are interested in a guy, calm that girlhood-fantasy of prince charming and say "Hi" to a guy, that is all we need.

I know the three second rule. To review, there is a manly law that says if one-who-walks-with-sausage sees a tempting femaninity, we have three seconds to act on the "damn she's hot" thought, else we walk back over to the bar and swim in the bottle with the other man-chickens. That is a good test of a man's spontineity, but it's not the whole tale.

Being a man is confusing sometimes. Some ladies like doors opened for them and chairs pulled out, others like wearing buzzcuts and betting on football. The formula of "Me Tarzan, You Jane" is antiquated and now there exists a large body of good guys with no clue on how to approach a woman without: 1) getting rudely brushed off (is that really necessary ladies?) 2) getting taken advantage of (I bought you that $10 drink so you could go talk to brainless muscleman... no really, I did) 3) toyed with (my childhood religion was enough of a mindfuck, than you). We don't know what to do and, more and more, many men are just choosing to give up on women and pass their time with Maxim, beer, and video games in an extended adolescence.

This is not a blame game; you fair-smelling, visually-addictive reasons for living are not at fault any more than the man-chickens who run away from your entrancing musical voices and amazing fashion sense. We love women, we really do. However, many girls lament the lack of good men available and how they only meet one type of man: the asshole. Half the population of the planet should change their names from Mike, Matt, John, and Tom to "asshole", it would just be easier that way.

But ladies, let's look at something. You want men who are not assholes, but refuse to approach a man yourself, rather waiting to be approached. Many non-asshole-men are wary of putting pressure on women as they know ladies get hit on all the time from the moment they leave the house until the moment they return. They know that and respect it, often preferring a silent agony of pent-up emotions than being just another in a long line of horny suitors.

The asshole-man are too self-absorbed in the size of their biceps and tan (which really denotes an insecurity and narcissism) and using their muscles and skin-made-of-leather to woo a girl into bed so that they can get off, that they don't really think about the woman's feelings.

And perhaps there is something attractive about that "man driven by his testostarone, driving to conquere woman and fill them his DNA to produce the next yoked, leathery male" prehistoric sex drive. To those ladies, I say enjoy your big muscled, small brained man who will never understand your period and would fuck your friends if you were out of town and he knew they wouldn't tell. Have fun.

For the rest of the women, those who want a man who is both masculine (that is a big part of it) and in touch with reality outside of the gym/office/party, we are often daunted by your beauty... but all we need is a "Hello". You giving us even the most minimal thumbs up is so enabling for one of our fine-not-an-asshole brothers to walk up to you and continue with "you look great, want to get out of here and take a walk and you can tell me what you think, what you feel, what you want, and what you hate?".

So ladies, assholes are not telepathic, they are just too stupid to have any sense of true dignity or purpose and there are women out there with giant fake breasts and fake tans to match them. Let them be happy and produce their progeny, who may then wonder why dad is bronze, mom has a little tiny lipo'd ass, but the kid is a bit chubby and pale. Leave them be.

If you don't want an asshole (and many of you have told me you do not, but that's all you meet), say Hi to thay guy who gets a little spacey when you are around. Send an email to the boy who will always smile yet never can speak. Walk up to the guy at the club, you know, the cute one not surrounded by people all talking about who they know, and just smile and giggle and hang around for a minute or two.

This road goes both ways. So ladies, I will promise you non-asshole men if you promise to understand we are not mind-readers and it's a lot harder to get rejected than to reject. Tomorrow or this weekend, say Hi to that guy and you might be surprised when you are telling your friends about the nice guy you just met instead of the asshole who gave you 1/2 hour of rough pleasure (the clitoris is to be handled lightly gentleman) and 3 weeks of unreturned phone calls and insecurity.

And to all the assholes out there, I'm not hating at all on you. You guys help make the world go around and if we had more balls, we meek-men might be just as you. But just because you have slept with x number of ladies who licked your sack y number of ways and you can bench 400 and dye your hair does not mean you know anything about women, rather it means you are too stupid to care... and that is a beautiful thing in and of itself.

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