Originally Posted: 2009-02-28 18:28 (no longer live)

Letter to Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson

Can Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Please Make a Sex Tape Before They Break Up?

One night in Paris. Pam & Tommy. Kim Kardashian getting peed on. Screech. Mini-me. We've seen all kindsa celebrity sex tapes, but aside from some non-shocking old porn footage of Dita Von Teese, we have yet to see any celebrity lesbian ones.

Our lonely eyes turn to you, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson.

These two have a hot minute left before Lohan returns to the cock from whence she came. That Chase Crawford thing was a close call. I beseech thee Mrs. Ronson: Get that firecrotch on film!

(You could even produce the soundtrack. Bowm-chicka-bow-bowm.)

Frankly, I'm surprised that a sex tape hasn't turned up already. I mean, we've had so many near misses with Lindsay already: the fake Calum Best cellular blow job, the dirty sanchez from Wilmer Valderrama, the t-bone shoved up her ass by Harry Morton... shall I go on?

Lindsay, the sex tape hungry public will not rest until we are presented with a Young Hollywood Sapphic film fest. Your coy hand-holding and lip-locked pics with Samantha could never satiate our lust for lesbos getting freaky. Show us the clit-grinding, the freckled vagina-fisting, the mutual titty-tweaking we deserve. I dare say, bah-lezbug!

Super seriously guys, the only way for Lindsay to ultimately prove her lesbian love for Samantha is to provide the Internet with a series of labia-licking images so powerful and indelible, no one could ever question her sexuality again. Samantha should think of this video as a prenuptial agreement of sorts: If LiLo truly loved SamRo, she'd just do it.

(And while she's at it, Sam should probably go ahead with those breast implants -- even if she does just duct tape them back down again afterwards.)

As for the content of the sex tape itself, I suggest they film a re-enactment of their "first time". It should take place mere hours before Lindsay's drunken joy ride and subsequent arrest during the Summer of '07.

Scene: The gals slip into the bathroom at a friend's house party. Lindsay snorts a line of blow off of Samantha's arm. Then she sniffs up the remaining coke dust tangled in Samantha's arm hair and looks deep into her little beady brown eyes. Suddenly consumed with a wet 'n wild passion, they tear off each other's clothes and hop into the shower. Using a Pantene bottle as a makeshift double-sided dildo, the girls fiercely bump soaking wet beavers until they simultaneously explode in an epileptic fit of lesbionic quivers. Afterwards, Lindsay accidentally puts on Samantha's pants, and the two argue about who's skinnier.

Roll credits.

  • Location: Hollyweird
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