Hooray, little dog, you're about to be so happy! This week, we're putting all your toys in a box and taking you to our new house where there is a yard you can run all over and pee in every corner! Nobody else gets to pee there but you. No more dog park at the apartment complex. No more having to stop at every angle and re-pee all your hard work twice a day. When you piss on something, the sixteen other dogs who live in this apartment complex won't be behind you on the path, eradicating your signature. You won't have to hold a little back for the walk home, in case you missed a corner and some other dog's pee still stands that you have to eradicate with your own. You're going to own property, little dog! Every corner of the backyard will belong to you.
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Not only that, but speaking of the dog park. No longer will you have to come across a giant poop and spend twenty minutes trying to figure out whether the guy is friend or foe (it doesn't actually matter, you're going to piss on it anyway, but you have to do a thorough, CSI-worthy investigation, I understand). No, now any and all poop you find in our new backyard will be your own. On a personal note, unlike the doggie park at the apartment complex, being the one and only person to use the dookie bags to pick up after their dog won't feel like such an exercise in futility for me, anymore, so I'm looking forward to that.
Hey, speaking of a dookie-free patch of grass, know how cool it is when I throw the ball down the hallway and you run and get it, and then don't want to give it back to me until I wrestle it out of your tiny little jaws of doom? Well, you haven't played the game until you've played it on soft, green grass, boy, so get ready for some good old-fashioned fresh air and sunshine. Bonus, we don't even have to quit playing at 8 pm so the kid upstairs can get some sleep. That's right, that little kid won't be there, so you won't have to stand at attention at the window and growl in case he decides to stop playing on the stairs and come ring the doorbell (He never has, and has no reason to, but you can't be too careful). I keep telling you he's just a little guy like you and he won't hurt anyone, but I know you can't be too vigilant when you're an apartment dog and so many people walk past your doorway. After all, your self-appointed job is to protect me to the death, and if the bad guys really do come to axe-murder me, they're going to have to deal with all 21 lbs. of your fury! Well, buddy, you can relax a little bit, and if anybody does come up and ring the doorbell at the new house, I want you to bark like crazy and let me know. If it's somebody I like, I can put you in the backyard and put the little gate up, and you can still keep me in sight at all times while you don't turn over-friendly and pester the guest! Yeah, no more dog crate when people come over. How cool is that?
Not a bad rise in life at all, for a scruffy little guy who followed me home from the dumpster two years ago. From pauper to prince, rags to riches, you're a modern-day success story for stray dogs everywhere. I guess you lucked out that day that you fell in beside me and followed me to my door, but then again, so did I. Now we're land owners, you and I. Not bad at all, little dog!
Man, you're asleep on my foot right now and you just don't know it yet, but we're finally getting you out of the apartments and into a house with a yard, and it's going to be great.