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Originally Posted: 2007-11-20 11:38

You can buy a turkey fryer or you can suck my dick!

Turkey time is here again and it will be followed shortly by tinsel time. So I decided to help out everyone who might have a broken range or oven.

1. It's always helpful to think of your friendly, local appliance store like it is a car dealership. We sell a product that is intended to be used everyday for several years. We also service and sell parts for our products. Keeping that in mind, before trying your bullshit with me, think to yourself, "Would this bullshit fly at a car dealership?"

2. The difference between you and everybody else out there is nothing. Zero, zip, zilch. Even the fact that you think you're different and smarter than the average bear makes you, in fact, quite average. You only think you've come up with a creative line or the sob story of the century. You think you're going to lay your bullshit on me so thick that I'm going to break down in tears of empathy while we collectively rub our manginas and begin a support group for people with traumatic appliance experiences. I've heard your bullshit a thousand times a thousand different ways. You're not original nor are you believable.

3. When your oven is broken and you call me 2 days before Turkey Day losing your shit on the phone, I don't care. I also don't care that you have 523 family members coming from out of town and you don't have an oven in which to cook your bird. Why am I so apathetic? Because you're only the 12th person to call me before 11am today telling me the same story. Over the years, I have become quite desensitized to your whining.

4. When you tell me that your oven has been broken since July and you now need us at your house this very same day to fix it, you're telling me two things. First, you're a lazy fuck. I don't care if you don't use the oven often. Who the fuck let's their oven stay broken for five months and decides to fix it two days before they need to cook a massive amount of food? Secondly, you didn't think it was important for five months so I can put you at the bottom of my priority list. If you try to tell me your oven just suddenly up and broke this morning, I will see right through your lie. We get 50 or more broken oven calls in the few days leading up to turkey day and santa day. We get one or two any other week. Ovens don't collectively go on strike. Most people just admit their shit has been broken since the Clinton administration, but some of you think you can bullshit me. Not gonna happen. How can I tell? Well you said you're at work and you just found out this morning. Who the fuck bakes shit for breakfast? Are you Aunt Bee? Get the fuck out of town.

5. Asking dumbfuck questions will get you nowhere. Here's a short list of my favorites and my replies:
Q-What am I supposed to do? Thanksgiving is in two days!
R-Buy a turkey fryer....they taste better anyway. And by the way, I know when Thanksgiving is. Obviously you don't or you wouldn't have waited til now to call for service.

Q-What do you mean you don't have the part in stock?
R-Short answer, well, there's in stock and there's out of stock. Can you guess which side of the fence you're on? Long answer, it means that every other jackass with a broken oven out there had at least enough sense to call last week and therefore the limited parts we have in stock are already promised to those customers. We are not in our own little appliance microcosm here. When we're low on parts, it's because they are scarce nationwide....turkey day is the same day everywhere in the U.S., cuntella.

Q-Well, can't you send someone out first thing Thursday morning?
R-You can kiss my ass and the ass of every employee in this building if you think we're going to make one of our technicians get up on turkey day to come fuck with your oven. Pucker up, I think a few delivery guys just got back.

6. Don't ever get fooled into thinking talking tough and/or dictating how we should conduct business will have one ounce of bearing on how we operate. Tell me it's unacceptable, I'll tell you to accept it. Tell me you'll never shop here never shopped here in the first just told me you bought the oven somewhere else. Why don't you go back where you bought it and get them to fix it? Oh, that's right, the big box retailers don't have a parts and service department. Well I guess your turkey day dinner will consist of a big bowl of your tears, bitch. Don't you dare demand that I do something to fix your problem. I'll just demand your lips to fall magically on my exposed derriere.

7. Asking us to rearrange our service schedule to fit you in just smacks of elitism. And we're all working class stiffs who hate any cocksucker who thinks they're important enough to get us to rearrange our schedule. By "rearrange" you mean in bump somebody else to next week just to get to you, princess. They called before you so they get serviced before you. It's called fairness, something with which you're not familiar. Now not only will we not be getting to you today, Christmas isn't looking good either. I hope your pee-hole scabs over.

8. This is not an emergency, don't you dare call it one. You might just be tempting fate into having a drunk driver run you over just to show you what a real emergency is. There is no 811 for appliance emergencies, asscock. Unless your oven is shooting flames up to your ceiling or your daughter just got sucked into the TV, you are not experiencing an appliance emergency.

9. Think about the car dealership again. Imagine going in there during a particularly busy week and saying, "I need you to fix my car right this instant. It's been broken for three months, but now I'm going on a 600 mile road trip tomorrow and I demand you take another customer's car off the lift and get mine in there today!" See how far that shit will fly.

So in closing, you're no smarter, better or more deserving of my time than any other Joe Schmo with a broken oven. Get in line. If you act like an ass and try to make demands, you will get nowhere with me. You ask me what you're going to do for Thanksgiving dinner. Well you can eat the corn out of my shit, mother fucker!

post id: 484597226