Originally Posted: 2009-08-02 4:05pm
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favorite this post Lesbianism in Cincinnati hide this posting unhide

1. If you are under under 30, you must wear men's shorts, a polo shirt (popped collar optional), Air Jordan's, and either a backwards baseball cap or a bandana. If you are over 30, you may keep the shorts and polo, but you must trade in your Jordans for some really awful sandals. You must also tuck in your polo shirt and wear your cellphone clipped to your belt.

2. If you are under 30, you can hang out at Bronz, the Dock, or Yadda. If you are under 40, you can hang out at Blue Bar. If you're 40+, you are hereby banished to Rosie's.

3. If you are reading this, I probably know you. You are either my ex, my ex's ex, a friend's ex, an ex's friend, or someone I met off of here and eventually quit talking to (or who quit talking to me after they started dating my ex, or my friend, or my friend's ex, or my ex's ex...)

4. You must complain about how all of the hot chicks are straight. You must also brag about your conquests over the straight girls.

5. You must be vegetarian or vegan. If you aren't, you've at least tried it once.

6. You must own either a cat or a dog. Most likely, you own both.

7. If you live a half an hour or more outside of the city, you inevitably don't have a car. You will always only date women who drive because they will always have to drive your ass around.

8. At some point, you've probably dated someone from Dayton, Lexington, or Louisville because you were tired of the lack of lesbians in Cincinnati.

9. You either despise Wal-Mart or you love it. There is no in-between.

10. You complain about how no one ever approaches you, yet you've never tried approaching anyone either.

11. You claim to not like butch girls, but you only date butch girls.

12. There are only 10 hot lesbians in Cincinnati. They all know each other and they only date within their circle. Good luck breaking into it.

13. Either you love going to the bars because you're in a clique, or you hate going because everywhere is too clique-y.

14. Lesbians over 40 all look exactly the same. I'm not sure how you find your friends in Rosie's. It must get confusing when you walk in on a crowded night. Oh, and apparently mullets are still acceptable as long as you're over 50.

15. There are only two kinds of lesbians. "Ghetto" lesbians and "non-conformist"/artist/musician/activist lesbians. Choose wisely which one you will become, as once you've made your choice, you may only associate with lesbians of the same species.

16. I'm not sure if there is a rule that states that at least 90% of a city's lesbian population must be overweight or not. If there is, Cincinnati definitely meets those requirements.

17. If you were offended by #16, you are a lesbian. If you thought it was funny, you're bi (and therefore shallow).

18. If you laughed at the ending remark in #17, you're a lesbian. Everyone knows that Cincinnati lesbians have it out for the bi girls. You've probably also assumed that the mystery author of this post is a shallow, narcissistic, bi girl. Nope. I'm just a lesbian with a sense of humor.

19. The activist in you refuses to laugh at any of this and is tempted to flag it.

20. If you are under 30, you must have a tattoo. If you are over 30, you probably have at least one, but any that you do have are probably awful. It's highly likely that there is a wolf tattooed on you somewhere.

21. If you are butch, you claim not to be butch. You probably say something to the extent of "I don't like subscribing to any labels. I'm just me." I'm sorry honey, but you're butch. Get over it. You get all of the hot girls anyway.

22. You must be best friends with your ex and then forever be jealous of anyone they date after you.

23. You've been cheated on. Fact: every lesbian in Cincinnati has been cheated on.

24. Even if you never graduated, you probably went to school for art, criminal justice, or political science.

25. At some point you either worked at Applebee's, UDF, some sort of place involving animals (ie: vet clinic, shelter, etc.), or were a security guard.

26. If you're from Ohio, you drink a lot of tea. If you're from Kentucky, you drink a lot of beer.

27. All lesbians in Cincinnati dance exactly the same way.

28. There are only two genres of music. Hip hop or Ani.

29. "Friends with benefits" always comes with some sort of emotional attachment.

30. Scarves: No longer a winter accessory. Now a year-round fashion statement!

31. There is a very real chance that your name is Amy, Amber, April, Jessica, Sara/h, or Nikki.

Feel free to send me suggestions for adding to the list. Or to send me hate-mail. Either way, it's nice to have new messages in my inbox =)

  • Location: Cincinnati
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