Originally Posted: 2004-03-23 12:30am

favorite this post Live with an alcoholic writer, a whore, and an artist on Zoloft

We have a four bedroom apartment right in the middle of Lincoln Park (Seminary Ave, two blocks from Armitage & Sheffield), with a room available.

The place:
-4 bedrooms, 1 loft bedroom available
-3000+ square feet, tons of storage
-Indoor basketball goal (really)
-Full bar (what true alcoholic would be without one?)
-An old ass stand alone arcade game (Vindicators--its some tank game. Not very fun)
-Parking possible, and probably free
-We have one dog, an incredibly sweet mutt, and other dogs are welcome. NO CATS.
-A Red Bull mini-fridge, with unlimited free Red Bull. Seriously--Red Bull hooks me up.
-Cable, HBO, phone, high speed internet, etc, etc.
-Big screen TV

Four people already live here, 2 men, 2 women. The roster:

-Female, "T", whore: She isn't literally a whore, but I keep trying to convince her to skip the pleasantries and just start charging. Might as well get something besides herpes and HPV from all the guys she brings home. But we love her because T is very nice, very fun, always wants to cuddle, and loves doing housework. Its like having a girlfriend, except everyone else but you is fucking her.

-Female, "E", childrens book author: Possibly the sweetest girl on earth. E is always happy and joyous, and is probably the only person I know that no one dislikes. Ironically enough, though T and I drink a lot, E is allergic to alcohol, and is thus the permanent designated driver. If you live here, she is always available for 3am pick ups in the Chicago area. E and I share a room because we are dating, but she is bisexual and lets me have sex with other women also, so you know, I'm in love.

-Male, "B", Computer programmer. He is quiet, respectful, never uses the kitchen except to store pizza in the fridge and keeps his bathroom clean. His girlfriend comes over a lot, and she is kinda annoying, but he told me tonight he's probably going to dump her soon. So we have that to look forward to.

-Male, "T", Writer. And then there is me. If you haven't laughed yet at this ad, then don't answer it. Really; if you don't get my humor, you don't want to live here. I am famous for being an asshole, albeit a very funny one, and not all people like me (shocker), so judge accordingly.

Full disclosure:

-Right now the rent is $600, but I think we are going to get it reduced to somewhere between $400 and $500, mainly because our landlord is pretty lame and I can push him around.

-You don't have to sign any lease, and no deposit is necessary to move in.

-Seriously, no damn cats. I hate them and am allergic and will torment them to death. Dogs will be loved. E and I work from home, so we can actually walk your dog along with ours during the day if you have a real job. And if we like you.

-We are pretty clean, but by no means OCD about it. But seriously, if I find a pubic hair anywhere its not supposed to be, I lose my shit.

-The weekends can get rowdy. Our place tends to be the pre and post-party location for all our friends at least twice a week. If you are a quiet dork whjo complains about noise on a Friday at 2am, do not live with us.

-Obviously I would prefer a hot bisexual girl. T (the whore) wants a hot trader. E just wants everyone to be happy. B is busy with his PlayStation.

Map: Seminary Ave and Armitage
dogs are OK - wooof

post id: 27112962