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It’s that time of year again when football is winding to a close and CL Rants & Raves can return to its normal dysfunction. Yeah, yeah, I know there is still the Superbowl, but after that it’ll be smooth sailing.
So, in honor of surviving another season of football postings on CL coming to a close, I give you the Top reasons why CL posters everywhere should breathe a collective sigh of relief:
1) No more homophobic or colorful slurs used to trash-talk opposing teams fans. For at least another year, the words Fudgepackers, Gaytriots, Foreskins, Seafags, Cowballs, etc. will not be used. But on a side note, the football fans that DO post such comments should just come out of the closet already. For the love of God it’s 2008 already. Me thinks you doth protest too much!
2) No more armchair weather experts. Yes, it is sunny and warm in San Diego, Florida, Arizona, etc. in January & yes, it snows in Pittsburgh, Massachusetts, Wisconsin, etc. Somehow trash-talking has oddly spun off into which state has, um…weather. Let’s face it, if it snowed in San Diego and was 80 degrees in the Northeast in January Al Gore wouldn’t only have a Nobel Peace Prize, he’d be friggin ordained a Saint by the Pope himself. So whether you’re sledding or catchin’ some rays on the beach, it doesn’t mean your team will win. Now if we’re talking upper air troughs, that’s a whole new bag.
3) No more early posts during a game. Ex.: It’s 7 minutes into the 1st quarter & football fans feverishly post on the opposing teams R & R, oh, something along the lines of “LOOK WHO’S WINNING NOW YOU PATHETIC DOUCHBAG PANSY ASS LOSERS WHO LIVE IN LOSERVILLE. GO BACK TO (insert city of opponent’s team to make fun of here) & CRY TO YOUR MOMMY’S.WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,” only to have the ball intercepted and the other team score a TD before you can finish typing. There is help for premature ejaculation, please seek help for premature posting.
4) No more stereotyping of cities & the people who live there. For example: “Go back to your homeless mess of a beatnik town & play your grunge music you #$&%.” = a football fan who wants Seattle to lose. Or, “Your wife, oops, I mean cousin is calling you to come out and shuck corn you toothless inbred.” = a football fan who wants to see Indianapolis lose. I’d say “Can’t we all just get along?” but that’s such an overused cliché so instead I’ll just say, “It is what it is.” (& what it IS is making you look like morons).
5) No more excuses for a team losing by posting, “The refs were against us” or “Injuries left us vulnerable”. Two of these quotes are just like the other. (Insert Sesame Street music here) Football fans referring to a team as “us”. Unless you’re out on the field going for a 4th & 1 or just sacked a QB, you are not “us”. (Use of sentences that use the words “our team” or “we won” also apply).
6) No more football fan posting on another city’s board 73 days after the game was played STILL posting just to remind the opposing team’s fans that, yes, “your” team won & asking how it feels to be “PATHETIC DOUCHEBAG PANSY ASS LOSERS…you get the point.”
7) And last but not least, no more posts that are so vile they make Hannibal Lecter look like Ghandi. For those of you who felt the need to back up your teams ability to win by making fun of, or posting pictures of, 9/11, black people being lynched, Redskins player Sean Taylor’s death, the Rhode Island fire, etc. I bid you farewell and a big FUCK YOU!!
So there you have it. I know I’ve missed a few but I think that pretty much covers it. So to all of you football fans who posted any of the above, it’s been a long, hard fought football season on CL R & R’s everywhere. But if it’s any consolation I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you lived up to your posts…& succeeded in making this CL poster pray every night that you have not yet brought kids into this world because the thought of any of you helping to form a young mind scares me more than being abducted and thrown into a basement (hopefully not yours) where a serial killer is making meat helmets out of their victims.
And one more thing…IT’S LOSE NOT LOOSE!!!!