Banana Republic
Dawson brushed cotton dress chino
32R
The best pants ever made. HANDS DOWN. I bought these pants a couple years ago, and have worn them well over 150 times. They look and feel so damn good.
They once impressed a girl so much that she cooked me dinner, slept with me, paid off my car loan, and gave me her cat, all in the same night. Last July, I wore them at a job site and they not only hired me, they made me VP of Global Sales...I was only there to water their plants. Last Spring, I went to St. Lucia just for a nice get away and I wore these pants on the plane down. When we landed and I stepped out of the plane, they asked me if I wanted to be their new president. Their new fucking president!!! Unbelievable I know. But unless you own a pair of these pants, you just wouldn't understand.
As a matter of fact, in a recent privately funded, multi million dollar, 10 year study conducted at Carnegie Melon University, it was found that men who wear these specific chino's make on average $123,000 more per year at their jobs and get laid a whopping 742% more often than men who wear generic chinos. It was also found that 8 out of every 10 male CEO's of all Fortune 500 companies own at least one pair of this specific pant. Even more amazing, every US President since Jimmy Carter has owned a pair.
But I'm sorry to say that it seems my pair of 32R Dawson brushed cotton dress chino are literally on their last legs. The heel parts are starting to disintigrate, and they've acquired a few stains over the years, making them less powerful (but still more powerful than the other inferior trousers in my arsenal). So I just tried to order them at bananarepublic.com and was met with this crushing blow:
We’re sorry, but this item is no longer available in any size or color. Please continue shopping to find other styles you like.
Please continue shopping for other styles you like??? Yeah BR...please blow me is more like it. Maybe that crap flies with your cargo wearing fratboy clientelle, but do you honestly think that a Dawson Brushed Cotton Dress Chino man is going to settle for that shit? I mean honestly.
I'm afraid Banana Republic has caught on. They're probably only making these pants now for the world's most powerful people. People like Alan Greenspan, Bill Gates, Vladimir Putin, and Outkast. I heard that the military has just awarded a top secret contract to Banana Republic. There's a lot of speculation as to what this contract is about, but I know exactly what it is. The ultimate weapon. They want to make our soldiers unstoppable, like the many previously normal, every day men that have become unstoppable after wearing these pants.
I know this is a long shot, since anyone that owns these pants probably doesn't have time to be on CL, sitting in your hot tub, in your super stretch limo, cruising through West Hollywood, snorting lines of coke off the stomachs of the last 6 Playboy Playmates, and sipping Cristal. But if this happens to get through to any of you...my comrades...and you happen to have an extra size 32R lying around (maybe you outgrew them due to your post-chino change in diet, eating the finest filet mignon, caviar, and other assorted rare endagered species money can buy, and subsequently gaining a few pounds), shoot me an e-mail. We can get together and trade stories over a few Cohiba's and some 30 year old, aged-to-perfection scottish whisky. Arrangements have already been made. My butler has reserved the ball room at Buckingham Palace. So if you're interested, shoot me an e-mail and I'll send the jet.
Don't forget the pants.