This is the most embarrassing day of my life. I thought it was yesterday when I shit myself at work. But no. It was today.
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Going to the dry cleaner this AM… just like every other day. I have few pair of pants and a shirt. Except this time, one of my pairs of pants has a little bit of diarrhea on it.
I walk in and there is the usual wait. Can’t have two people on register? Nope. That means two people would have to speak English and why speak English when your already fluent in Cantonese.
So I see my friend Jenn in there. Well she not really my friend but we hang out at the same bar on the weekend. I buy her drinks and try to fuck her, she acts interested, talks to me and gets free drinks all night. (Hey it works for us). Point is she’s real pretty.
So I get up to front of line and give the little Chinese lady my clothes. First thing she does is go right for the soiled pants. What this? She asks herself out loud Cantonese/English pointing at soiled part. She leans over a bit and makes a loud sniffing noise. Not that she put to her nose but just leaned over enough and sniffed to make the point. “Oh that poop on there”
Jenn is standing behind me. I don’t know how her face or reaction was to this. I can only imagine. I did not dare turn around. I could feel my ears getting hot and my forehead sweating; my body was a statue. I just stood there thinking. How can either lie my way out of this or get out of here very quickly without anyone seeing me.
"There not mine" I say very weakly almost whispering to her. She looks at the tag in back checking out the measurements. Then looks over counter at my waist. "You 34 waist" I don't answer. She gives a knowing smirk. My stomach drops again, my ears getting hotter.
Oh it gets better! While I am standing there paralyzed. The Chinese lady had reached under register and had slipped on some latex gloves. To my horror she picks up my clothes, holding them away from her body and started to walk towards back. One of her co-workers reached over to take my toxic filth from her. But being a considerate Chinese lady she could not allow him to do that. “Careful, Poop on there!”
Chuckles in the store in the store got to the point of laughter. One nice fellow, excused himself from the store as not to laugh directly in my face. (Thank you sir, sincerely) As she walked my filth into the backroom, she did not disappoint. We could hear the echo. “Careful, poop on there” This of course turned escalated the chuckles back into laughter.
“Tin-PA wung GA de-reet-ie CHA” She translated. Hey, the Chinese guys should get to laugh at me too.