Originally Posted: 2006-06-30 08:33

Apartment Fury

Has anyone been in the rental market lately? It has pushed me into insanity...

Have any of you ever been in such a bad mood that when people ask you what’s wrong it just makes you even worse. Then then try to cheer you up and it makes you so mad that you want to kill puppies. Anything short of them pulling down their pants and farting the star spangled banner or seeing a clown get hit by a garbage truck wouldn’t get you in a good mood. That’s how I feel all the time. My co-workers won’t talk to me anymore, they started to wear bullet proof vests in anticipation of me coming in with an assault rifle. All I did for the past two months is work, search Craigslists for apartments, look at apartments, talk to real estate agents about apartments and obsess about apartments. I actually had dreams about apartments. One was that I found a place that no one knew about and as I walked around I kept finding new rooms and hidden staircases and that it was right across the street from a public pool, a playground and a Daycare center. I am going crazy. I don’t like the word apartment anymore. They should call apartments Fuck you. “So are you looking for a 2 or 3 bedroom fuck-you? That particular Fuck-you is not de-leaded, sorry.”

Maybe some of you can relate on how much the cost of living sucks around here. I just got kicked out of my apartment because the landlord sold the place. I moved in a little over a year ago when I got kicked out of my previous apartment because that landlord wanted to turn it into a condo. I have lived in Boston for about 6 years and have had to move 5 fucking times all on the landlords behalf. I also have a 3 year old which means I can’t rent a place unless it’s “de-leaded” which basically means 90% of the apartments on the market are unavailable to me. It’s just ridiculous. This is why all of the young professionals are moving out of Boston. You either have to be a dirt poor loser or filthy rich.

Maybe I’m Jaded. I know I am definitely a grumpy bastard these days. I just found another place and I don’t even know the new landlord but based on my previous experience I want to punch him in the face. On top of being kicked out I had to hand over $650 to a rental agent just because the guy walked me through the front door and ran my credit. I wanted to kick every real estate agent in the crotch (man or woman I don’t discriminate). I pretty much hate every homeowner in Boston just out of the sheer envy that I can’t afford my own place. When the overpriced bubble finally pops around here and all those fucking real estate hungry, over-charging, blood sucking fucking bastard slum lords start losing their shirts I’ll be so happy. You’ll be able to spot me. I’ll be the guy running around wrapped in eviction notices pissing off of rooftops and hurling feces at all of the foreclosure homes. I was actually foolish enough to consider buying property so I wouldn’t be at the mercy of landlords anymore. I’m 31, I have a nearly perfect credit score and make a decent living. The only thing I could afford was a condo in Dorchester, Roxbury, Lawrence or Lynn. Hmmmm, a $280,000 interest only loan for a glorified apartment in some of the worst school systems in the country and where Target offers Handgun Buyback programs. SIGN ME UP!!!! I can’t wait for the day when my daughter comes home wearing hoop earrings and her boyfriends only goal in life is getting 20” Dubs for his pimped out Honda Civic.

What really burns me is that if I was a total dredge of society I could live for free or on the cheap. Katrina victims are living better than I am! I would love for a flood to take out half of Boston. Most of my furniture looks like it came from a garage sale anyway. You’d see me hanging loose in my brand new trailer, playing my free play station and getting $300 lap dances while sipping on some champagne all compliments of the federal government. Did any of you see the stories on how over 3 billion dollars of FEMA aid was given to inmates, spent in strip clubs and blown on entertainment. Where is the support for people like myself. I don’t come from money, I put myself through college, I pay my taxes and contribute to society and some fucking baby machine tweaker is spitting out future welfare cases while cooking up a new batch of crystal meth in their section 8 housing and selling food stamps for Milwaukee's Best. Or I have to compete with some trust-fund baby whose parents don’t give a shit what the rent is and have driven up the market all over the city . I have to shell out $1,400 a month and have references from the Dali Lama so some spoiled bastard going to Tufts can sit around drinking wine, listening to Radio head and banging college girls. Where is the justice. I have been paying over $1,200 a month for years, never missed a rent payment and got kicked out on my ass over and over again. Each time having to shell out an absurd amount of money for first, last, security, moving expenses and anal lubrication.

For any of you just entering into the rental market and can’t spend $2,000 a month please feel free to use my translation guide below:

Cozy = Small
Quaint = Busted
Conveniently Located = On a busy main road tucked in between a halfway house and a bus terminal
Charming = Small & has not been remodeled since the civil war
Has Character = Slightly overpriced and has a bathtub in the Kitchen
Great View = It’s on the third floor and you can’t move anything bigger than a folding chair up the stairs
High Ceilings = Old and the wallpaper looks like a fat girl after Liposuction
When the agent says “one small thing” = There is a old lady on the first floor with 15 small yappy dogs who bite, hump legs and have mange
Pool & Gym = crappy apartment complex and they will raise your rent after the first year
Convenient Non Permit Street Parking = HA! Good luck dipshit
Conveniently Located near a laundry mat = no washer/dryer or hookups
Convenient (Agents love this word) = Not Convenient
Affordable!!! = Wall to wall stained pink carpeted, wood paneled piece of shit!
Garden Level = Basement with tiny windows and you better be an Oompa-Loompa
Great Deal!!! = The landlord is a crack head, a pedophile or both
Anything with *** = ***Don’t Bother***

Thanks for reading folks, if I have helped one person it was worth it.

post id: 177040375