I have always heard stories from people about how obnoxious unwanted guests are. Usually, these guests are relatives who stay too long and drink all your beer or a roommate's boyfriend who takes reading material into the bathroom with him. You, on the other hand, seem to have decided to sneak around my apartment like you belong here. I do not remember inviting you. In fact, I don't believe we were ever properly introduced. This is why I named you Jeremy, myself.
My roommate noticed you first. I didn't want to believe her, so I guess I was in denial for awhile. Then, I saw you for myself. You dashed out from behind my refrigerator and hid behind the stove. I pretended I didn't see you. Honestly, I didn't want to embarrass you, and hoped you would leave on your own. But then I saw you a couple more times, even in my bedroom. That wasn't so bad, because I found your secret passage and plugged it up for good.
Honestly, Jeremy, I didn't mind you at first. But you just got too cocky for your own good. You started inviting friends over, and I have to say, they're nowhere near as discreet as you are. I noticed this especially when I went to get some crackers out of the pantry and there was one of your pushy little friends... rappelling from our top shelf to the delicacies on the middle shelf. He seemed awful startled, as was I. In fact, to avoid any further awkwardness, I started storing my food in a sealed bin in my room. I thought maybe my walking in on him would teach him a lesson.
Alas, it didn't. I am sure you know this by know, but your friend died. My roommate found him in a sealed package of nuts, courtesy of that second shelf in the pantry. We narrowed the cause of death down to either Asphyxiation or Death by Too Many Nuts. What we still can't figure out, though, is how he got into that sealed bag. It might be insensitive of me to say this, Jeremy, but I think you are better off without him. He's not too smart. When I walked in on him in the pantry, he quickly hid behind a bag of dried tortellini... but he left his tail sticking out, so I knew where he was the whole time.
After that incident, you and your friends were quiet for awhile. But not too long ago, I saw you and a friend run out from behind the refrigerator again. I am starting to wonder what is under there that is so special. The last straw though, Jeremy, was tonight when I went to make a piece of toast and found you running along the back of my sink from behind the toaster oven. I have to admit, my awe overrides my annoyance. You must have feet like Spiderman.
But honestly Jeremy, enough is enough. I'm afraid I need to terminate this relationship. The tension is just too great - I sense your mockery of me and I do not appreciate it. I understand quite well what you are insinuating when you leave droppings in my frying pan.
Consequently, Jeremy, I am asking you to leave. I hope, roommate to roommate, that you can leave quietly and without any drama. I wish you the best of luck.
In the meantime, you and your friends should help yourselves to the morsels of cheese I will be leaving out for you. I will be serving them on wooden trays with spring-loaded metal tongs. Enjoy!