To the guy who has my Credit Card number..THANK YOU.
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To the guy who has my American Express Card number,
I'm sure you found it very amusing to try and order $42 worth of pizza in Sacramento and put it on my card. I'm also hoping that you felt pretty good when you decided to call a home shopping network, tell the operator that you were my gay lover, and proceed to order over $1,400 worth of topaz gems and other worthless rubies and emeralds in my name. Oh, and the fact that you had the common courtesy to overnight all four shipments to MY ADDRESS, (costing me an extra $40 because $1,400 in crap just wasn't enough), was just so thoughtful. You seem like a great guy.
Well, I hope you at least got a good chuckle out of this since you benefited from it in no other way. The pizza was never delivered because you couldn't verify the card with the security code, and since the home shopping network only ships to the billing address of the credit card, I just had everything sent back and they re-imbursed me fully.
But all was not lost. As a matter of fact, I'd like to sincerely thank you. You see without you, I would have never called American Express and tried to cancel my card. In order to keep my business, they offered me 5,000 Delta SkyMiles towards my account and I graciously accepted. I've now accrued enough miles for a free, round trip ticket anywhere in the US. Yippee!
So this winter, as your sucking on a crack pipe in some back alley somewhere, I'll probably be on a nice, sunny beach on the west coast soaking up the rays and getting drunk on corona's and pina colada's with my beautiful girlfriend. And to think, it'll all be because of you. I'd like to personally thank you but unfortunately, I don't have your name or address...so if you get this, PLEASE drop me a line and let me know who you are.