The time was early spring. The place was my window sill. I was asleep dreaming dreams of far away lands. My CooKoo alarm went off around 7am, I opened my weary eyes to hit the snooze button for an extra few minutes of sleep. Slamming the snooze button repeatedly trying to queclh the cooing, I realized my Snooze button was malfunctioning. I opened my eyes to see what was wrong and there you were, two morning doves on my window sill making whooppie. "Oh how nice," I thought to myself, "nature has given me one of those rare oppertunities to see birds mating." After their tango of love was over, they flew away and I went back to bed only to be woken up by my real alarm buzzing its high pitched shrill. I started my day and thought nothing of the birds the rest of the day.
I return home to find my window still open from the night before. Upon closer inspection, I noticed a few twigs have fallen from a tree nearby and found a resting place on my sill. It was a nice day out, so I left my window open to air out my room and thought nothing of it. I went to bed that night and awoke the following morning to my alarm screeching at me again, like it does everyday. I look out my window and see you, a little grey mourning dove, resting on a pile of twigs. We made eye contact that lasted what seemed like hours. You looking at me, me looking at you in bewilderment.
"Oh no your not. Your not doing what i think your doing," I said aloud.
You didnt respond and I had to go to work, so I left it at that hoping you'd realize I lived here first. I came home again after a long days work expecting you to have left because the place you chose to roost was already occupied. That wasnt the case. There you were, this time with your mate, both of you just sitting on my window sill looking at me looking at you. Your heads bobbed in unison trying to get a better look at me. My head tilted to get a better look at you, my new roommates. In your bird talk you probably were saying to each other "Look honey its the big monster that caught us having sex yesterday. He doesnt seem dangerous, maybe we could live here for awhile with him." I decided then and there to let you stay rent free. Afterall, its not everday you can witness one of natures precious moments up close an personal in real life.
A few weeks went by and you set up shop. You kept making your bird calls to your mate telling him to bring you back some supper or what not. I went about my usual after work buisness of browsing craigslist, reading, listening to music loudly, but you didnt seem to mind. WE came to a real understanding at that point. I do what I do and you do what you do. A peaceful coexistence of sorts. I smoked a bowl and thought in my high state of mind that I might be able to communicate with you. "Cooooo, Coooooo," I belted. You just stared blankly, maybe I said the wrong thing in dove talk and offended you, so you felt you should give me the evil eye. I accepted I was in the wrong for disturbing you, so I left you to do your business. Shortly there after, you made a few screeching noises and stood up from your makeshift nest looking down between your tiny legs at our newest roomate. A tiny white little egg.
"Oh great, more of you. When I said I'd let you stay I only meant the two fo you, not three. My landlord is goign to find me in violation of my lease for having too many tenants living in my room." You didnt care at that point, the egg was here to stay. "Alright, thats fine. The egg can stay. Just dont make too much noise." Day goes by, I come home and there you are, like you always are, resting on your pile of sticks. I startled you when I shut my door and you stood up to investigate. Thats when I noticed not one, but two eggs resting beneath you. "Now listen bird. One egg I can live with, two is pushing it. I'm going to have to start charing you rent. If i end up having to take care of these babies i'm going to be mad. What does this look like, welfare? Your staying rent free, stop having babies. No more eggs OK?" You looked at me sincerely and I accepted it as a sign of understanding that there would be no more eggs being layed.
"Woah, that did not just happen" (I'm stoned again) I hear a faint little sound coming from the window sill and decide to investigate. I see a tiny little naked baby dove wobbling around with big closed eyes. "How cute, my very own little mourning dove family." You gave me that look again, the 'Back the fuck off' look. So I did and watch from a few feet as you upchucked bird food into our newest arrivals mouth. Ah how great. One hatched, one to go.
Fast forward to both being hatched and growing quick. These little things grow quicker than weed, the stuff on your lawn, not the other stuff. I decide to go out of my way and buy bird seeds to feed my new family, I didnt consider them my roommates anymore, just my family. I found a little dish to put seeds into and slid it on the window sill. You took my offer of gratitude the wrong way and almost pecked my hand. "WOah Woah," I said "I'm just giving you some seeds, chiillll out." You sat back down and didnt eat my offering. Eventually the hunger pains in your stomach told you to go eat some of the seeds. It brought a smile to my face when you indulged, I felt we were making a solid bond.
The little ones grew up quick, you still tried to hide them from me, but they were to big by this point that you couldnt sit on them anymore. They were getting ancy to fly and kept stretching their wings out everday. I knew the day was fast approaching when they'd fly away. I figureed that now that they were old enough, teenagers probably, or middle schoolers at least, it was time for their first cannibus experience. So I packed a bowl, took a hit, and gentle blew it in their direction. Their heads averted the smoke at first, but I kept it coming. Their beedie little eyes became just a little beadier and relaxed. They seemed chill. I decided then and there that their names would be 'Mary' and 'Jane' despite not knowing what their sex was. After doing so, i realized it probably wanst the smartest thing, birds not having the largest brains and all. So I decided to never smoke them out again.
Just another day, in a series of like minded days, I return home and go into my room. I immediately notice a vacancy on the window sill that once housed my family of birds. "Ooh, they finally left. Well I hope they remember me and come back to say hi every now and then." I went to the window sill to check out the pile of shit that had been accumulating since they've moved in. As I got closer to my bed, where my window was, I realized somethign was wrong. SOmething just didnt seem right with my room today. The birds were gone, yes, but it was somethign else. I looked on my bed and saw spots all over my pillows, sheets, and blankets. It took me a second to realize, but once i did it sent me through the roof.
"THOSE FUCKING BIRDS SHIT ALL OVER MY GOD DAMN FUCKING ROOM! FUCKING BIRDS, I SHOULD HAVE SHOVED THEM OFF MY WINDOW SINCE DAY ONE. THIS IS WHAT THEY DO AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR THEM!" In my fit of rage I grabbed my wiffle ball batt and started beating my bed repeatedly, for no other reason then to release some tension. The sound of the bat hitting my bed made a loud "Whoomp, WHoomp" sound every time I hit it. From over my right shoulder i see the mother bird fluttering around the bed in my room. "HOLY FUCK!" I was freaked out for a second, I though the bird was attacking me, but she wasnt she was trying to get outside via the window. SHe was flying way too high and kept bashing her head into my light. She eventually rested on my closet all tweaked out. Ok so what do I do. I opened my window wide and tried pointing to the bird and saying in a kind voice "There's the window, thats outside, thats where you go. OUt." It didnt notice, so I took the wiffle ball bat, which was still in hand and approached her with it. Trying to get her to stand on it so I could bring her to the window. She didnt have any of it and flew right back into the the light a few times. Eventually after much brusing she found the exit and flew out.
"Finally" I said as I exhaled from exhaustion. I went about stripping my bed of my sheets and pillow cases. I slid my bed away from the wall to get at the far corner of my bed. TO my dismay, there was Mary, or was it Jane sitting on my heating vent? I wasnt sure, but I knew one thing; I wanted it out. I approached her calmly and she stayed put, as i reached my hand out to grab her, Mary flew which caught me by surprise because I didnt know they could at that point. She flapped and flapped. Eventually coming back down on the other side of my room. I hurled myself at Mary, grabbed her in my hands and put her on my window sill and told her to fly. "FLY! Go! Jane already left and so did your parents. Go find them." She stayed on my window sill looking at me, then looking outside. Looking at me, then looking outside. She stayed there for 15 minutes not sure what to do. Eventually she flew away.
To this day, 2 months later I have not seen either Mary or Jane again. I was hoping they would stop by and see me, but they havent. Mary and Jane where'd you guys go? I didnt mean to get you stoned that one time and Mary I didnt mean to freak you out by catching you, but I had to do it, it was for the best. NOw your free and outside, but come back and say hi. I've got some seeds on the window.