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Originally Posted: 2006-09-16 09:21

A Note to Renters from the Evil Landlord

Ok, let's start at the beginning.

I'm not required to paint your entire house or apartment before you move in, not by any code, law or statuate. It was so nice to meet you when you came in with your digital camera and your back up friends and your notepad and told me what a releif it was to FINALLY see something in this town that was not a dump with wall to wall carpeting. You also looked like a stable person. Welcome to Baltimore, let me help you with your luggage. Here's a map and a restaurant reccomendation and a lease. I understand, I understand, you're right, there's a smudge on the wall, let's get that taken care of right away. New caulk in the bathroom? Ok...better water pressure? Uh, I'll try.

Let's talk about leases for a second. Do you think I made this stuff up? Do you think I haven't gotten screwed like 70 times because of people like you?!!! Please don't try to tell me what is typical or not typical in a lease. What the hell do you know about typical? You're 22 and you don't know anything! That's probably why you call my office to ask me to send a $30/dollar an hour worker over to your house to change a light bulb you can't reach. Are you a child? You didn't have trouble reaching the ceiling when you sponge painted your bedroom puke orange. Or how about a frantic e-mail that you're "freaking out" because you saw a mouse. What should you do? What am I planning to do about this?!!
Why don't you call your father? He's a lawyer and he can send me a letter about it. Um, did you ever consider washing your dishes? Putting your freaking pizza boli box in the garbage? You're going to have so much more than mice in your life. When you call for maintenance you should at least put away your bong.

And don't send me a list of things that MUST be done. I'm supposed to think you're really meticulous, right? By the way, your circuits are flipping because you have 5 computers, an HDTV, 4 regular TV's and an extra refrigerator in your house. It's a HOUSE not Walmart. Please don't tell me that the electric is bad.

Oh and here's another thing. Leave your cats and dogs back with your parents. If I walk into one more house and smell stinky cat box - meow-meow-meow. Aren't cat's neat. Is it because you're a student and can't afford cat litter? Or you don't have a car yet and don't want to carry it all the way from the Rotunda. You really shouldn't have an animal. IT'S TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITIY. You don't even walk your dog! I came in and it had peed all over your kitchen floor and there was shit all over your basement. You don't love your dog. You love yourself. I should call animal control and have your animal CONFISCATED. Don't try to tell me that you grew up with dogs and that you are responsible. You're so NOT. You're too busy watching DVD's and getting stoned to walk your animal. Hopkins is going well, eh? You've got a flat screen? oooh- impressive. It looks great next to your display of beer drinking paraphanalia.

But you're right. I'm such a crappy landlord and you're such an ideal tenant! That porch step was very dangerous, you were right and it needed painted. I endangered your well being with that porch step. I understand that when you're really drunk it's sometimes easy to trip on a porch step and become injured. Hey, same for that sticky tar roof you were trying to sunbath on. Sorry about that.
I just want to tell you though how great that big plaid couch and recliner look on the front porch now. I guess that's normal wear and tear when 12 people sit on the porch grinding cigarette butts into the floor as if it were an ashtray. I just want to tell you how much the neighbors like it too. It all looks nice against their bird feeders.

But your house is on the INside right. The outside is for other people to worry about. I know this is a city and it looks messy but why don't you stop for a moment and think about why. Let's talk about garbage. If you're such an environmentalist then why don't you put your garbage in the can and put the lid on the can. Is it too gross to touch that awful can? Well your whole foods garbage is always spread all around the alley and I'm so sick of going out there with my rubber gloves to pick it up for you. Is this part of growing up in a familiy of lawyers with a family dog that you don't walk and litigation to solve every light bulb that burns out? Do you think it was ME that chewed a hole in that bag or did it ever occur to you that the rats you are feeding behind your house are the same ones that are going to come in your basement and FREAK YOU OUT as soon as the weather gets cold. Then it's going to be my fault and your brother's old lawyer friend from New Hampshire is going to write me a nice threatening letter about how I'm endangering your health.

Way to be peaceful man. Why don't you go stand on Charles Street and wave a sign that BUSH SUCKS. I think YOU SUCK because if you can't make peace with your neighbors then you don't even have a right to stand there and say why anyone else sucks. Why do I have to get phonecalls from your neighbors about how you can't get along, can't be PEACEFUL, about how you said "FUCK OFF" when he asked you to be quiet in the middle of the night. You said "FUCK OFF" with your face full of organic junk food and a heart full of narcissistic poison.

Wow, a year already? And now you're going to find a better rental. Fresh start right? No more roomates. No more beer bong and you WANT EVERY FREAKING CENT OF YOUR PARENT'S SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK. Please tell me that that was how it looked when you moved in. Please tell me that this is normal wear and tear. Please tell me that your cat didn't have fleas. Please tell me that it's your right to keep every stitch of your clothing on the floor and that I can't force you to clean up while I'm showing your house. That's right, you have FINALS as well as mother issues. Please be sure to tell the people trying to step over your piles while they look at your house that the neighborhood is, you know, OK.

When you get a job, I hope you have to appear in a cubicle at 7:30 every morning. I hope your neighbors keep you up all night with their party. I hope you try to buy some real estate thinking that you can escape from the grind. I hope your tenants are Hopkins Undergrads
and I hope you'll think back to this rant just before you head outside with your rubber gloves to clean up someone elses garbage.

post id: 208055878