Originally Posted: 2007-09-25 14:02 (no longer live)

Dear Boyfriend: I Love You, Please Don't Murder Me In My Sleep

To my dear boyfriend, who is so amazingly and unendingly neurotic - I am onto you!

I like you and how you are. I'm also pretty sure that something must go wrong here, and I've decided that the issue will lie in your mental health. To be able to confirm or deny these suspicions, read on:

1) Your cleaning fixation - I get it. You feel comfortable when things are a certain way. These little tidy rituals help you sleep better at night, or whatever. Everything you own has a certain drawer, a certain order, a certain placement. This was fine and kind of cute until I woke up to you remaking the bed I WAS SLEEPING IN because I'd laid the stripes on the comforter wrong. WTF. Seek help.

2) Your friends - You seem to think that no guys really have many friends. That's just not true! Granted, you have two older brothers that you idolize and that's kind of like having friends, but not really. Your only two non-related friends are SUCH LOSERS. One is in LOVE with Redneck-Bumfuckville where you guys are all from (thank GOD you don't live there anymore). Seriously, his dogs are named "Boots" and "Boots' Friend". WTF!! The other friend lives with you, is terrified of social interaction, has some serious anger problems, and plays CounterStrike as his only hobby. Seriously. You can do so much better.

3)Your jealousy/lack of self-confidence - Darling boyfriend, you are 6'5, lean, good-looking, and hilarious. You're also a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. When we go to bars, girls turn around and double take when you walk by. You, however, have no concept of this because you're too busy staring down any guy that so much as looks near my general vicinity. You've had a longstanding feud with my promiscuous best friend because you're afraid she'll rub off on me... even though I've known her four years longer than I've known you. You've hated my roommate's boyfriend ever since he invited me to road trip with him to New Orleans (where our families both live) over Labor Day. What's the deal?

4) Your education - You halfway goddess-worship me because I finished three years at a fancy private college. Despite that fact that you're working to get your degree too, you apparently think I am WAY too smart from you (this was suggested by the aforementioned best friend, which is another reason you secretly hate her). When I write your papers and give you synopses of books you don't want to read, you act like I am parting with my own life-blood. I don't get it, personally, but I like how I write you a paper and you get all cuddly and loving. It's manipulative, but I'll take it.

5) Your commitment issues - You've only couple of serious girlfriends. The first cheated on you with and left you for someone you both knew. The second was a Hooters girl and you got so jealous that you dumped her. Your view is that they both fucked around on you and were out to break your heart. Therefore, you are more than slightly reluctant to admit any kind of feelings. And you keep saying that you don't know how to tell if you're REALLY in love. Make up your mind! No ultimatum here, but we're been dating for six months and this should be the good, easy part of the relationship. Lucky for you I see your emotional confusion and reluctance as a challenge, and I don't care if that makes me totally nuts.

6) Sex - You're a little uptight. You're good in bed, but not very confident and pretty scared to try new things. Although you have a serious interest in anal (not going to happen), you're terrified of a little bondage. Then we tried it, you got really into it, and now you're too timid to do it again. WEIRD. Also, when you tell me about your celebrity crushes, it weirds me out. Alexis Bledel? Avril Lavigne? Your whole top five is girls with physical quirks. Does that mean you're a serial killer and you'll eventually make me into a skin jacket? Who likes someone for their weird face shape or snaggle tooth, really?

6) You like me - You like all the weird shit I do. When I peel the sesame seeds off hamburger buns, when I refuse to wear clothing when I sleep, when I forget my keys/wallet/phone/whatever and borrow yours... you apparently think these things are endearing. I don't get it. You find my antics funny where others would be pulling their hair out. AND you get my weird sense of humor. I find this suspicious. Even my best friend doesn't get all the weird celebrity references that make up my joke reperetoire.

Basically what I'm trying to say here is that I love you, and that makes me think that you are probably a total nutcase. I'd appreciate if you could just come out with whatever rabbits you've got in the proverbial hat NOW so that I can being packing and moving to another state, getting a restraining order, or filing a missing persons report on you. Whatever needs to be done.

In the case that you're not a crazy truckstop-killer, can we settle down and make babies? Or at least move near each other and get two chocolate labs and walk them in the park every day?


Your highly suspicious girlfriend

post id: 431824489