Me: Cute 30-something woman, 5'7", 130 pounds, long brown hair, green eyes, pink jacket and tight blue jeans, driving a gold Grand Cherokee north on Peachtree Industrial at about 12:45 AM.
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You: Big white cop driving a big cop car.
I knew you were the one for me as soon as you blasted past me on the frontage road alongside Peachtree Industrial. I was driving a sedate 45 MPH down the frontage road when you blew past me on the right, at about 80 MPH, no cop lights on, and no headlights on either. "He must be after someone for sure!" I said to myself, "otherwise he would have passed me on the left at a normal speed like a normal person, rather than on the right at an unsafe speed like some kind of maniac!" Why, it would be silly to drive like that for no reason at all. What a brave policeman you must be, I imagined, going after some bad guy in such a speedy yet stealthy manner!
Well, imagine my surprise when you pulled into the very same QuikTrip I was heading for. I was turning in to fill up my left front tire, which has a persistent slow leak. I thought, you must be chasing a criminal! Particularly when you screamed into the parking lot at high speed (luckily it was deserted! Heavens!) and came to a stop straight across at least two spaces. Oh, I hope this nice QuikTrip isn't being robbed! But, no, it seems you were only stopping for a refreshment, judging by your sedate walking pace. My, what a large round ass you have, Mr Policeman! And a big jolly belly too!
As I glared at you in obvious consternation through my window, you must have noticed my beauty and virtue even from across the parking lot, because you chose that very moment to let your little light shine (flashlight, that is) in my direction. Hello there! Don't mind me, I'm just trying to stay alive long enough to fill this pesky tire, and check the others too! Tee hee!
You schlumped into the store, and then you waddled out shortly afterwards, refreshments in hand. It must have been quite a refreshment emergency, you poor, starving thing. I'm sure if it was anything other than dire need, you would have managed to live off the fat of the land there for another few minutes... ah, but who am I, a mere law-abiding citizen, to second-guess you, a Man Both Of And Above The Law?
Clearly, you were wondering about me too, as you again directed your hard, long shaft of flashlit desire in my direction. Did you realize how you missed me? (To tell the truth, you just barely missed me.) Did you wonder what I was doing back there, all alone in the dark, handling my tiny, tight little air hose? (It's free at QT, you know.) How I hoped you'd come to inquire as to the state of my tires and my safety -- me, a woman alone late at night with obvious mechanical concerns. Why, it would only be the deed of a good citizen, to come and check on a comely, lonely lass! Alas, no, you did not, although had you done so, you would have seen that my registration is a month out of date. Oops, how embarrassing!
Ah well, perhaps our paths will cross again, oh chubby star-crossed starlit speeding object of my vehicular affections and infractions. Until then, I will miss your recklessness and obvious derring-do, but I will survive... as best I can. Godspeed, brave sir, and good luck cuffing your next Coca-Cola collar!